The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART III

We peered through the crack in the curtain to see the audience. The place was jam-packed! This was way bigger than the “Howard the Duck” premiere and even George was there (with a few bacta patches). Somebody must’ve learned a little something about marketing. Or maybe all these people just wanted to see Moose fall on his antlers. Either way, we were all nervous.

“OK, so you all remember your lines? Got your cues down? Who goes where and when?” Moose whispered.

“Yes, but what’s my motivation?” Ami, now playing a Rebel Pilot, asked. “What’s everyone’s motivation? I need to know!”

Angel pulled Nobby aside for some last-minute advice. “Padmé was the most beautiful and kindest soul who ever lived, so make sure you act like that, OK?”

Nobby said nothing as he focused intently on fastening his royal headpiece and refreshing his royal lipstick.

“Padmé didn’t wear goofy things like that! Why would she wear giant metal things or twist her hair all up? She was practical.” Ewandhaydenfan chimed in. “Just like Leia. She would never wear silly hairstyles like Mina has. Crazy buns all over her head….”

The Crew crossed their arms, stuck out their hips, and nodded in agreement.

“This is supposed to make a pretty BFD picture for people to look at,” Gidrea stated, “but who would want to look at this mess?”

For the most part, she was right. Several of the Ewoks forgot their costumes and all of them had to use the ‘fresher. Bloggers were hurriedly writing lines on the backs of their hands and Stooge’s babies threw up all over the funeral pyre.

“Lights down, start music…” Moose whispered from backstage, “Padmé, you’re on!”

As the lights came up, Nobby was center stage screaming. “Ah! Aaaahhh! AAAAHHH! I am dying! Dyyyyyyiiiiiiinnnnng!” Not even close to the angelic picture of Padmé we all expect to see in a pageant.

Moose just shook his head in admission of defeat.

“Plop, plop!” Nobby made the sounds of the twins’ birth, accompanied by laughter from the audience. Perhaps also by George’s crying.

“Luuuuuke,” Nobby strained, “Leeeeiiiiiaaaa.” The medical droid played by GalacticBabe tried to sooth the dying Padmé.

“Oh, bugger off,” Nobby told her. As he walked off stage he was clearly heard saying, “I would have named them Harry and Buttercup….”

6 & ½ hours later

“Come on, Chewie!” Deej proclaimed. “We have to go save our friends!”

“Argh,” zach replied in a rather uninspiring manner. “Woof woof.”

“We must bring down the shield with the help of these might Ewoks,” pointing to the little ones, all doing the potty dance, “so that our friend Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight can bring peace to the galaxy!”

“Yeah, woof.”

The un-dynamic duo gazed up at the giant plastic Death Star, glued together due to one too many explosions, as the scene changed to the Death Star’s interior.

“Ooh, good segue,” came from somewhere backstage.

“Ah!” A startled Pitt jumped about three meters into the air. “Who are you?” He whispered, straining to see in the dim lamplight. “Oh, right! You’re my dead dad.”

“He’s not dead yet,” Moose sighed. “Soon, though. Soon we will all be dead…”

“Father, help me! Please!” Pitt interjected.

“You boys should probably GET ON STAGE before you say your lines!” said Moose as he pushed the guys so hard they knocked over two-thirds of the baby Ewoks.

“Right. Well, dad, you should turn to the light side again now,”

“Why?” Stooge asked, brushing himself free of cheap costume fur.

“Um,” Pitt stalled, checking the lines written on his arm, “That’s not in the script. But, um, ‘cause…yeah! Because there’s still good in you! Everybody says you are selfish, mean, out for power, blinded by Palpatine, whiny, barely human, stupid…”

“OK, I get it.”

“But there’s still love in your heart for your wife and children. Padmé knew it--”

“I did!” Nobby called from off-stage.

“And I know it. Find that little light inside you and that’s all it will take.”

The entire fleet of Pilots stood there with their mouths gaping. Was he really making this up off the top of his tentacles?

“Got it! Where’s Palpatine?” Stooge asked as he walked towards the Pilots. He grabbed usetheforce19 and said, “You’ll do!” Stooge picked up the poor young blogger and tossed him backstage. All we could hear was usetheforce19’s muffled cries and Stooge’s fake exploding sounds. Then Stooge removed his helmet and wearily sat down. In all the pageants before, Vader’s transformation back to Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit had been a bang and half, greater than the exploding Death Star even, full of overacting and special effect. Stooge’s way made more sense. How exhausting it must have been to become Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Of course he needed to sit down and rest.

“Cool, well, then I’m off! This thing’s about to blow, right?” Pitt said as the little Ewok choir burst into song with “Let it Blow! Let it Blow! Let it Blow!”

“HEY! TELL YOUR SISTER!” Stooge yelled at the exiting blogger, making sure not only Pitt, but also the entire planet could hear him.

“Tell her yourself!” Pitt shouted back, very unlike the always calm and never whiny Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight of pageants past. And with that, the moment was over, but I knew what happened. Glancing out at the audience, I knew they felt it too. Over the years we had become more passionate about the action figures and continuity arguments than the story, and here a jokester blogger and his cohorts were putting true feeling into each moment. Telling the story, for the first time ever in this pageant, from the heart.

The rest of the pageant was supposed to be easy—all we had to do was have a giant party with the Ewoks—but the hard part was going to be getting along. They, those nasty, snarky bloggers, had overrun the entire pageant, stealing it out from under us. What happened next, however, blew us all away (no pun intended). Master Mina, Queen of Snark herself, walked over to zachstarwalker, barely able to stand on his stilts all covered in Wookiee fur, and handed him a small item. He turned around to face the audience and placed the special ceremonial medal around his hairy neck. Clearly, this was his proudest moment in the whole pageant.

While zach was having his moment, Stooge and Pitt were dancing together, having the time of their lives…or afterlives, depending on which. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was less reserved than we’d like to think, but that made this party all the more fun.

As the curtain closed and the Ewoks began to sing the final “Yub Nub,” the entire Spew Crew squeed in unison. A squee of relief, I’d imagine, but in a strange way, I didn’t want it to end.

“WAIT!” George yelled, jumping out of his seat and heading after the little Ewoks, “That’s the WRONG SONG!”

It was the best BFD pageant we ever had. Everybody said so, though no one could quite figure out why.