The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART II

“Hello, George?” Poor Moose answered, “Yes, I know what’s been happening, I’m directing the pageant….Yes….No…What? Listen, can we talk later?” Moose fumed:

This is all his fault, he says. It wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t stuck in a bacta tank, he says! My Maker. He must be surprised that the twin suns still set each evening without him to supervise!

*Later that day*

“So who plays Palpatine?” Deej demanded as he entered the Endorian set for the dress rehearsal, twelve parsecs late. “I’m really hungry…” he added, eyeing the Ewok choir.

“Grandma!” Screamed one of the little Ewoks. Leia19886 and GalacticBabe quickly hurried to comfort him and cover his mouth.

“We don’t have a Palpatine in our pageant,” Moose sighed in return while fastening parts to the fall-apart Death Star prop and trying to keep the Ewok choir from choking themselves with their rocks and sticks.

“But the archives! They talk ALL about Palpatine. Says he was mean and tried to kill Luke! Tried to kill lots of other beings, too!”

“He’s right,” Pitt chimed in. “We looked him up.”

Looked him up? Did these bloggers actually spend time in the databank archives? Maybe they really did care about the Force.

Nah.

“What are you going to do about it, Deej?” Michelle68 goaded, clearly annoyed with his insufficient knowledge on such a common subject as the Sith.

“We should make mean song parodies about him! I can lock him in my toy room and make a video!” Deej taunted back. “Somebody come play Palpatine so we can flame you!”

“No need for permabans, OK DJ Maul?” Moose quickly interrupted.

Shelly and Angel looked at each other rolled their eyes, but I could only think about how Deej reacted. Too often we think of all the pure and saintly things about BFD, forgetting how hard it must have been to stand up to a Sithy like Palpatine. My thoughts were soon--

Stooge then entered rehearsal decked out in full Darth Vader gear, voice changer mask and all. "Knock, knock!"

“I don’t get it,” Darth Hiram replied.

“Anakin’s Force Spirit is supposed to be good! That means the light side of the Force, monkey-lizard.” Gidrea Lightsky sneered. Gidrea loved Anakin and would never stand to see his character portrayed as anything less than the Good and Pure Force Spirit, exactly like in all the pageants before. Giddy grumbled towards the pilot section, “Ami should be playing that part.”

“No need to get emotional. Plus, I’m the most popular blogger. For the part.” Stooge insisted.

“It doesn’t so much matter who plays the part,” Moose tried to mediate, “it’s about who embodies the essence of that character. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit should be just that: good and pure.”

“And dead!” Nobby added. This just sent more Ewoks crying for their moms and Masters.

“Sure, dork, side with Stooge!” Hiram smirked.

“You’re just mad because you don’t get to play Han Solo again this year,” Deej sneered.

“So what if I am? It’s not like—“

“That’s it! I’m blocking you two! We need to get through this story at least once. The performance is in one standard day!” Moose told them. “Now, Ewoks, please begin with the opening theme and Rebel Pilots lock S-foils in attack position…”

“So Palpatine and Darth Vader build another Death Star? After the first one blew up so easily? Didn’t they have any other ideas?” Sarlacc Pitt questioned.

“First of all, tentacle brain,” said Ami, “you call that easy?”

“Hey, that’s my line!” Deej insisted, “And how come I don’t get a big furry side-kick? Not fair! I want a Wookiee!”

“Cookies?” Nobby suddenly piped up.

"Wookiee!" The Pilots answered in unison.

“Fine! You can have your Wookiee! Happy Life Day,” Moose surrendered, not wanting to argue over all these details.

“Cookies!” Cheered Nobby, the Pilots rolling their eyes.

“Zach, you go ahead and stand by Deej,” the director called, “You get to be the mighty Chewbacca. Are we ever going to get through this rehearsal? Put on your costumes, bloggers!”

“Hey, where’s my medal?” Zach wondered, looking through the costume racks.

“You don’t get one. Han, Leia, and Luke get one, but not you!” JMW told him.

“Aoacraao'c whooao wwraahrc! Why no medal? I blew up the Death Star, too, right?”

“That’s just how George made it and everything he does is perfect,” JMW finished.

Zach pondered this new information, but kept growling in disappointment. As I watched the others put on their painted gold medals, I couldn’t help but think Zach was right. That wasn’t fair at all. Why had no one thought to mention this once in all the previous pageant years?

“What if Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight had taken Darth Vader up on his offer?” Pitt asked. JMW went on and explained the whole scenario to him, how Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight would never do such a thing in a million standard rotations, but I caught a couple of glances from some of the Spew Crew. What if Vader had been successful in gaining his new apprentice? What sort of a place would the galaxy have become? That's a future that's bound to be cloudy.

“I’m not allowed to talk about Sith,” Galactic Babe said.

“I got some babies we can use for newborn Luke and Leia!” Stooge exclaimed out of nowhere.

“Great, Stooge. Babies are nice. GB, well, let’s not then! From here on out, Sith-talk is cause for a ban,” Moose told them amongst the cries of the two children. “Now can we please separate those babies and get on with the show? Ewoks! Sing!”

And with that the whole bunch of miniature fuzzy bears sang their loudest and proudest “Yub Nub” celebration song while Deej and Hiram tried to settle a “who is scruffiest” argument, Mina and HG fought about clones, Zach attempted to steal Pitt’s medal, Gidrea blinded half the pilots with her new hairstyle, and Stooge soothed the crying babies through his Vader voice changer.

“Wait! Stop!” Moose cried, “That’s the wrong song!”

Yes, this was definitely going to be the worst BFD pageant. Ever.