The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART I

PART 1

The Mods were calling The Dark Moose morning, noon, and especially Fridays during The Clone Wars. The whole blogging community was in an uproar about his taking over the annual Balanced Force Day pageant because, well, we had better start at the beginning, a long time ago…I mean, last week….

“A tauntaun accident?! And you want me to take over the BFD pageant?” Dark Moose was surprised. George Lucas never relinquished his directorship over anything, let alone the Balanced Force Day pageant. That must have been some accident!

“Yes, Moose, you are our only hope!” George exclaimed. “Don’t worry, I can still help while in the bacta tank. Besides, the pageant is the same every year: Viago Angel plays Padmé, Hansgirl plays Leia, Hiram plays Han Solo, JMW plays Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, Gidrea plays Obi-Wan’s ghost, and Amidalooine plays Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Easy as pulling the ears off a gundark.”

“OK, George, I’ll do it. In fact, I’ll make this the BEST BFD pageant ever!”

“Yep, sure you will. I’ll call you after the first rehearsal.”

George did call. And so did all the rest of the mods. And concerned bloggers. And parents of concerned bloggers. And mods representing the parents of concerned bloggers. They called just about every day! Can we really blame them after what happened at the first rehearsal? You tell me:

I am always a Rebel Pilot. Not that I wouldn’t rather play an important part, like Padmé or a Jedi Knight, but being a pilot lets you slip through the cracks unnoticed. If you can slip through the cracks (by not being an especially funny or serious blogger and never raising your hand when somebody asks how you feel about Padmé being an agent of the dark side), you avoid them. No one seems to know why they came to pageant rehearsal this year when they’ve never been before, but I do. Sarlacc Pitt found out from Galactic Babe that we have Wookiee Cookies and told all of his friends. That’s why they are here, definitely not because of the story of BFD.

“Let’s get started,” Moose sighed, already tired from telling Pitt over and over that there were no refreshments at this, the first rehearsal. “Where is my Ewok choir?”

All the littlest bloggers raised their hands, that is, if they realized they were being spoken to. The Ewok choir is always made up of the littlest because they are short and can look cute just singing weird songs and not doing anything else. George loves the Ewok choir.

“Alright, now let’s pick some of the big speaking roles. How about the role of Padmé?”

“Who’s that?” DJ Maul asked, receiving snickers from the more seasoned pageant actors and actresses.

“She’s the mother of baby Luke and Leia,” Hansgirl said, rolling her eyes. “How could anyone not know that.”

“Shut up! I never heard this story before!” Master Mina said, elbowing Hansgirl in the ribs.

“Yeah, it's not in any of my Top 10s!” Chimed Stooge.

“You’ve never heard the story of Balanced Force Day before?” Asked a baffled Moose. “Let’s start at Episode I, then.” This received a roar of grumbles from most of the bloggers, even the Ewok choir, but they all seemed very interested, so Moose continued. “Little Annie Skywalker was born a slave on Tatooine…."

*6 1/2 hours later*

"…In his second attempt to face Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight did something more powerful than defeat him in a lightsaber battle. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight broke through the dark side and helped Anakin return to the light side of the Force! Anakin’s body could no longer survive, but Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit lived on. Just as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was bringing the Force back into balance, the Rebel Pilots defeated the great and powerful Death Star! This was cause for celebration, which was marked by the melodious Ewok Choir led by Han Solo and Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit celebrated the wonder that was the very first Balanced Force Day.”

Most of the bloggers were fidgeting or checking their Myspace pages, but they were just sitting there listening, stunned into rare silence.

“So,” Moose cautiously asked, “Who wants to play Padmé?”

Nob01, usually just called Nobby because of his knobby knees and elbows on his skinny little legs and arms, raised his hand proudly.

“Anyone else?” Moose asked nervously. “ViagoAngel, wouldn’t you like to volunteer?”

Angel just sat there, silently staring at the sandy ground. She wouldn’t dare volunteer now that Nobby had staked his claim. Of course she wanted to be Padmé because she was always Padmé, but if she raised her hand, Nobby would write her into his Dork Side cartoon and use it as black-e-mail! Or worse! You wouldn’t believe they were capable of such awful things, but they were. All of them were.

“Well then, let’s have volunteers for Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight,” Moose said, moving on. “Jedi Melinda, you usually play this part, would you like to volunteer?”

Poor little JMW nervously bit her lip. She loved playing the part of Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and everybody knew it. It was one of the main speaking parts and JMW loved to talk about Star Wars.

“SHE can’t ever do it! You said in the story Luke’s a boy!” Snarked Mina. “I wanted to be Luke, but since he’s stupid and I’m a girl, I’ll be Princess Leia instead. Even though I’m really a queen, which is better than a princess. Sarlacc Pitt! Raise your hand for the Jedi Knight Luke. Do it now!”

“Do we have any other Leia volunteers?” Moose asked, eyeing Hansgirl. When no one moved, he sighed and wrote down Mina’s name next to the part of Leia.

“Would anyone else like to volunteer? Type up, bloggers! We can make a list of all volunteers now and decide later who would be best,” Moose suggested. But no one moved. No one spoke up for any of the parts, for fear of them. At the end of the rehearsal, we had Nobby as Padmé the Angel, Deej as Han Solo, Master Mina as Princess Leia, Pitt as Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and the nastiest of all of them, Stooge, as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit.

This was going to be the WORST Balanced Force Day pageant EVER!