Dear Auntie Leia,
I want to thank you for sending me the driven BFD present. I never had a Naboo before! I can use it to repair all my drivers. It will also keep my leg warm if we have any silly weather here on Hoth. I really like the school bus you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 88 credits. All of the other younglings around here have gross droids, but now mine is the only one that has 4 different swimmers. It will help me with my bloody studies at the academy and I know I will get more walkers this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your sandwich when I visit next season!
Your sticky niece,
Leia 19886
Dear Uncle Darth Vader,
I want to thank you for sending me the evil BFD present. I never had any blue milk before! I can use it to repair all my moisture vaporators. It will also keep my arm warm if we have any scruffy-looking weather here on Hoth. I really like the cantina you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 66 credits. All of the other younglings around here have bright droids, but now mine is the only one that has 2 different blasters. It will help me with my tall studies at the academy and I know I will get more planets this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your starship for a visit next season!
Your tiny niece,
ewan&haydenfan5
Dear Uncle Luke Skywalker,
I want to thank you for sending me the stately BFD present. I never had a mission before! I can use it to repair all my communiqués. It will also keep my liver warm if we have any stoic weather here on Hoth. I really like the teardrop you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 3 credits. All of the other younglings around here have misconstrued droids, but now mine is the only one that has 17 different leg warmers. It will help me with my disastrous studies at the academy and I know I will get more proton torpedoes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your treatise when I visit next season!
Your euphoric niece,
JediMelindaW
Dear Uncle Obi-Wan,
I want to thank you for sending me the frozen BFD present. I never had a lightsaber before! I can use it to repair all my starships. It will also keep my big toe warm if we have any frothy weather here on Hoth. I really like the dianoga you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 15 credits. All of the other younglings around here have creepy droids, but now mine is the only one that has 2 different blasters. It will help me with my windy studies at the academy and I know I will get more men this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your handmaiden when I visit next season!
Your shiny niece,
GalacticBabe
Dear Uncle Bib Fortuna,
I want to thank you for sending me the plump BFD present. I never had a landspeeder before! I can use it to repair all my jawas. It will also keep my dangly bits warm if we have any scarlet weather here on Hoth. I really like the duck you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 42 credits. All of the other younglings around here have mottled droids, but now mine is the only one that has 3 different thermal detonators. It will help me with my moist studies at the academy and I know I will get more ships this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your sand for a visit next season!
Your saucy nephew,
Nob01
Dear Uncle Anakin Skywalker,
I want to thank you for sending me the shiny BFD present. I never had a helmet before! I can use it to repair all my ewoks. It will also keep my tongue warm if we have any new weather here on Hoth. I really like the kowakian monkey-lizard you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 42 credits. All of the other younglings around here have blue droids, but now mine is the only one that has 13 different lightsabers. It will help me with my delicious studies at the academy and I know I will get more robes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your Millennium Falcon for a visit next season!
Your fast nephew,
Padaweirdo
Dear Uncle Lobot,
I want to thank you for sending me the sparkly BFD present. I never had a flugelhorn before! I can use it to repair all my nutcrackers. It will also keep my kneecap warm if we have any dazzling weather here on Hoth. I really like the dagger you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 1,138 credits. All of the other younglings around here have effervescent droids, but now mine is the only one that has 77 different pan flutes. It will help me with my aggressive studies at the academy and I know I will get more toilets this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your galaxy for a visit next season!
Your putrid nephew,
Sarlacc-Pitt
Dear Uncle Yoda,
I want to thank you for sending me the funny BFD present. I never had a cactus before! I can use it to repair all my eggs. It will also keep my elbow warm if we have any greasy weather here on Hoth. I really like the rock you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 12 credits. All of the other younglings around here have flimsy droids, but now mine is the only one that has 27 different birds. It will help me with my chilly studies at the academy and I know I will get more cubes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your creek for a visit next season!
Your spicy niece,
Gidrea Lightsky
Dear Uncle Bob,
I want to thank you for sending me the sugar-coated BFD present. I never had a microwave before! I can use it to repair all my trees. It will also keep my ear warm if we have any weather here on Hoth. I really like the cat you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 19 credits. All of the other younglings around here have purple droids, but now mine is the only one that has 3.14 different bloggers. It will help me with my springy studies at the academy and I know I will get more houseshoes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your belch when I visit next season!
Your shocking nephew,
usetheforce19
Dear Uncle Anakin,
I want to thank you for sending me the hot BFD present. I never had hockey before! I can use it to repair all my flurries. It will also keep my shoulders warm if we have any squirrelly weather here on Hoth. I really like the mynock you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 31 credits. All of the other younglings around here have festive droids, but now mine is the only one that has 10 different stormtroopers. It will help me with my su-weet studies at the academy and I know I will get more cookies this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your kiss when I visit next season!
Your scintillating niece,
amidalooine
Dear Uncle George Lucas,
I want to thank you for sending me the shiny BFD present. I never had a cat before! I can use it to repair all my kitties. It will also keep my belly button warm if we have any pretty weather here on Hoth. I really like the hydrospanner you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 13 credits. All of the other younglings around here have humongous droids, but now mine is the only one that has 42 different pants. It will help me with my junky studies at the academy and I know I will get more cookies this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your droid when I visit next season!
Your sparkly niece,
Hansgirl3
Dear Uncle Lobot,
I want to thank you for sending me the slimy BFD present. I never had a bacta tank before! I can use it to repair all my Jedi robes. It will also keep my kneecap warm if we have any magnificent weather here on Hoth. I really like the lightsaber you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 1,927 credits. All of the other younglings around here have gigantic droids, but now mine is the only one that has 35 different pants. It will help me with my robust studies at the academy and I know I will get more buckets this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your telephone booth for a visit next season!
Your beautiful nephew,
Darth Hiram
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART III
We peered through the crack in the curtain to see the audience. The place was jam-packed! This was way bigger than the “Howard the Duck” premiere and even George was there (with a few bacta patches). Somebody must’ve learned a little something about marketing. Or maybe all these people just wanted to see Moose fall on his antlers. Either way, we were all nervous.
“OK, so you all remember your lines? Got your cues down? Who goes where and when?” Moose whispered.
“Yes, but what’s my motivation?” Ami, now playing a Rebel Pilot, asked. “What’s everyone’s motivation? I need to know!”
Angel pulled Nobby aside for some last-minute advice. “Padmé was the most beautiful and kindest soul who ever lived, so make sure you act like that, OK?”
Nobby said nothing as he focused intently on fastening his royal headpiece and refreshing his royal lipstick.
“Padmé didn’t wear goofy things like that! Why would she wear giant metal things or twist her hair all up? She was practical.” Ewandhaydenfan chimed in. “Just like Leia. She would never wear silly hairstyles like Mina has. Crazy buns all over her head….”
The Crew crossed their arms, stuck out their hips, and nodded in agreement.
“This is supposed to make a pretty BFD picture for people to look at,” Gidrea stated, “but who would want to look at this mess?”
For the most part, she was right. Several of the Ewoks forgot their costumes and all of them had to use the ‘fresher. Bloggers were hurriedly writing lines on the backs of their hands and Stooge’s babies threw up all over the funeral pyre.
“Lights down, start music…” Moose whispered from backstage, “Padmé, you’re on!”
As the lights came up, Nobby was center stage screaming. “Ah! Aaaahhh! AAAAHHH! I am dying! Dyyyyyyiiiiiiinnnnng!” Not even close to the angelic picture of Padmé we all expect to see in a pageant.
Moose just shook his head in admission of defeat.
“Plop, plop!” Nobby made the sounds of the twins’ birth, accompanied by laughter from the audience. Perhaps also by George’s crying.
“Luuuuuke,” Nobby strained, “Leeeeiiiiiaaaa.” The medical droid played by GalacticBabe tried to sooth the dying Padmé.
“Oh, bugger off,” Nobby told her. As he walked off stage he was clearly heard saying, “I would have named them Harry and Buttercup….”
6 & ½ hours later
“Come on, Chewie!” Deej proclaimed. “We have to go save our friends!”
“Argh,” zach replied in a rather uninspiring manner. “Woof woof.”
“We must bring down the shield with the help of these might Ewoks,” pointing to the little ones, all doing the potty dance, “so that our friend Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight can bring peace to the galaxy!”
“Yeah, woof.”
The un-dynamic duo gazed up at the giant plastic Death Star, glued together due to one too many explosions, as the scene changed to the Death Star’s interior.
“Ooh, good segue,” came from somewhere backstage.
“Ah!” A startled Pitt jumped about three meters into the air. “Who are you?” He whispered, straining to see in the dim lamplight. “Oh, right! You’re my dead dad.”
“He’s not dead yet,” Moose sighed. “Soon, though. Soon we will all be dead…”
“Father, help me! Please!” Pitt interjected.
“You boys should probably GET ON STAGE before you say your lines!” said Moose as he pushed the guys so hard they knocked over two-thirds of the baby Ewoks.
“Right. Well, dad, you should turn to the light side again now,”
“Why?” Stooge asked, brushing himself free of cheap costume fur.
“Um,” Pitt stalled, checking the lines written on his arm, “That’s not in the script. But, um, ‘cause…yeah! Because there’s still good in you! Everybody says you are selfish, mean, out for power, blinded by Palpatine, whiny, barely human, stupid…”
“OK, I get it.”
“But there’s still love in your heart for your wife and children. Padmé knew it--”
“I did!” Nobby called from off-stage.
“And I know it. Find that little light inside you and that’s all it will take.”
The entire fleet of Pilots stood there with their mouths gaping. Was he really making this up off the top of his tentacles?
“Got it! Where’s Palpatine?” Stooge asked as he walked towards the Pilots. He grabbed usetheforce19 and said, “You’ll do!” Stooge picked up the poor young blogger and tossed him backstage. All we could hear was usetheforce19’s muffled cries and Stooge’s fake exploding sounds. Then Stooge removed his helmet and wearily sat down. In all the pageants before, Vader’s transformation back to Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit had been a bang and half, greater than the exploding Death Star even, full of overacting and special effect. Stooge’s way made more sense. How exhausting it must have been to become Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Of course he needed to sit down and rest.
“Cool, well, then I’m off! This thing’s about to blow, right?” Pitt said as the little Ewok choir burst into song with “Let it Blow! Let it Blow! Let it Blow!”
“HEY! TELL YOUR SISTER!” Stooge yelled at the exiting blogger, making sure not only Pitt, but also the entire planet could hear him.
“Tell her yourself!” Pitt shouted back, very unlike the always calm and never whiny Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight of pageants past. And with that, the moment was over, but I knew what happened. Glancing out at the audience, I knew they felt it too. Over the years we had become more passionate about the action figures and continuity arguments than the story, and here a jokester blogger and his cohorts were putting true feeling into each moment. Telling the story, for the first time ever in this pageant, from the heart.
The rest of the pageant was supposed to be easy—all we had to do was have a giant party with the Ewoks—but the hard part was going to be getting along. They, those nasty, snarky bloggers, had overrun the entire pageant, stealing it out from under us. What happened next, however, blew us all away (no pun intended). Master Mina, Queen of Snark herself, walked over to zachstarwalker, barely able to stand on his stilts all covered in Wookiee fur, and handed him a small item. He turned around to face the audience and placed the special ceremonial medal around his hairy neck. Clearly, this was his proudest moment in the whole pageant.
While zach was having his moment, Stooge and Pitt were dancing together, having the time of their lives…or afterlives, depending on which. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was less reserved than we’d like to think, but that made this party all the more fun.
As the curtain closed and the Ewoks began to sing the final “Yub Nub,” the entire Spew Crew squeed in unison. A squee of relief, I’d imagine, but in a strange way, I didn’t want it to end.
“WAIT!” George yelled, jumping out of his seat and heading after the little Ewoks, “That’s the WRONG SONG!”
It was the best BFD pageant we ever had. Everybody said so, though no one could quite figure out why.
“OK, so you all remember your lines? Got your cues down? Who goes where and when?” Moose whispered.
“Yes, but what’s my motivation?” Ami, now playing a Rebel Pilot, asked. “What’s everyone’s motivation? I need to know!”
Angel pulled Nobby aside for some last-minute advice. “Padmé was the most beautiful and kindest soul who ever lived, so make sure you act like that, OK?”
Nobby said nothing as he focused intently on fastening his royal headpiece and refreshing his royal lipstick.
“Padmé didn’t wear goofy things like that! Why would she wear giant metal things or twist her hair all up? She was practical.” Ewandhaydenfan chimed in. “Just like Leia. She would never wear silly hairstyles like Mina has. Crazy buns all over her head….”
The Crew crossed their arms, stuck out their hips, and nodded in agreement.
“This is supposed to make a pretty BFD picture for people to look at,” Gidrea stated, “but who would want to look at this mess?”
For the most part, she was right. Several of the Ewoks forgot their costumes and all of them had to use the ‘fresher. Bloggers were hurriedly writing lines on the backs of their hands and Stooge’s babies threw up all over the funeral pyre.
“Lights down, start music…” Moose whispered from backstage, “Padmé, you’re on!”
As the lights came up, Nobby was center stage screaming. “Ah! Aaaahhh! AAAAHHH! I am dying! Dyyyyyyiiiiiiinnnnng!” Not even close to the angelic picture of Padmé we all expect to see in a pageant.
Moose just shook his head in admission of defeat.
“Plop, plop!” Nobby made the sounds of the twins’ birth, accompanied by laughter from the audience. Perhaps also by George’s crying.
“Luuuuuke,” Nobby strained, “Leeeeiiiiiaaaa.” The medical droid played by GalacticBabe tried to sooth the dying Padmé.
“Oh, bugger off,” Nobby told her. As he walked off stage he was clearly heard saying, “I would have named them Harry and Buttercup….”
6 & ½ hours later
“Come on, Chewie!” Deej proclaimed. “We have to go save our friends!”
“Argh,” zach replied in a rather uninspiring manner. “Woof woof.”
“We must bring down the shield with the help of these might Ewoks,” pointing to the little ones, all doing the potty dance, “so that our friend Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight can bring peace to the galaxy!”
“Yeah, woof.”
The un-dynamic duo gazed up at the giant plastic Death Star, glued together due to one too many explosions, as the scene changed to the Death Star’s interior.
“Ooh, good segue,” came from somewhere backstage.
“Ah!” A startled Pitt jumped about three meters into the air. “Who are you?” He whispered, straining to see in the dim lamplight. “Oh, right! You’re my dead dad.”
“He’s not dead yet,” Moose sighed. “Soon, though. Soon we will all be dead…”
“Father, help me! Please!” Pitt interjected.
“You boys should probably GET ON STAGE before you say your lines!” said Moose as he pushed the guys so hard they knocked over two-thirds of the baby Ewoks.
“Right. Well, dad, you should turn to the light side again now,”
“Why?” Stooge asked, brushing himself free of cheap costume fur.
“Um,” Pitt stalled, checking the lines written on his arm, “That’s not in the script. But, um, ‘cause…yeah! Because there’s still good in you! Everybody says you are selfish, mean, out for power, blinded by Palpatine, whiny, barely human, stupid…”
“OK, I get it.”
“But there’s still love in your heart for your wife and children. Padmé knew it--”
“I did!” Nobby called from off-stage.
“And I know it. Find that little light inside you and that’s all it will take.”
The entire fleet of Pilots stood there with their mouths gaping. Was he really making this up off the top of his tentacles?
“Got it! Where’s Palpatine?” Stooge asked as he walked towards the Pilots. He grabbed usetheforce19 and said, “You’ll do!” Stooge picked up the poor young blogger and tossed him backstage. All we could hear was usetheforce19’s muffled cries and Stooge’s fake exploding sounds. Then Stooge removed his helmet and wearily sat down. In all the pageants before, Vader’s transformation back to Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit had been a bang and half, greater than the exploding Death Star even, full of overacting and special effect. Stooge’s way made more sense. How exhausting it must have been to become Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Of course he needed to sit down and rest.
“Cool, well, then I’m off! This thing’s about to blow, right?” Pitt said as the little Ewok choir burst into song with “Let it Blow! Let it Blow! Let it Blow!”
“HEY! TELL YOUR SISTER!” Stooge yelled at the exiting blogger, making sure not only Pitt, but also the entire planet could hear him.
“Tell her yourself!” Pitt shouted back, very unlike the always calm and never whiny Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight of pageants past. And with that, the moment was over, but I knew what happened. Glancing out at the audience, I knew they felt it too. Over the years we had become more passionate about the action figures and continuity arguments than the story, and here a jokester blogger and his cohorts were putting true feeling into each moment. Telling the story, for the first time ever in this pageant, from the heart.
The rest of the pageant was supposed to be easy—all we had to do was have a giant party with the Ewoks—but the hard part was going to be getting along. They, those nasty, snarky bloggers, had overrun the entire pageant, stealing it out from under us. What happened next, however, blew us all away (no pun intended). Master Mina, Queen of Snark herself, walked over to zachstarwalker, barely able to stand on his stilts all covered in Wookiee fur, and handed him a small item. He turned around to face the audience and placed the special ceremonial medal around his hairy neck. Clearly, this was his proudest moment in the whole pageant.
While zach was having his moment, Stooge and Pitt were dancing together, having the time of their lives…or afterlives, depending on which. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was less reserved than we’d like to think, but that made this party all the more fun.
As the curtain closed and the Ewoks began to sing the final “Yub Nub,” the entire Spew Crew squeed in unison. A squee of relief, I’d imagine, but in a strange way, I didn’t want it to end.
“WAIT!” George yelled, jumping out of his seat and heading after the little Ewoks, “That’s the WRONG SONG!”
It was the best BFD pageant we ever had. Everybody said so, though no one could quite figure out why.
The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART II
“Hello, George?” Poor Moose answered, “Yes, I know what’s been happening, I’m directing the pageant….Yes….No…What? Listen, can we talk later?” Moose fumed:
This is all his fault, he says. It wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t stuck in a bacta tank, he says! My Maker. He must be surprised that the twin suns still set each evening without him to supervise!
*Later that day*
“So who plays Palpatine?” Deej demanded as he entered the Endorian set for the dress rehearsal, twelve parsecs late. “I’m really hungry…” he added, eyeing the Ewok choir.
“Grandma!” Screamed one of the little Ewoks. Leia19886 and GalacticBabe quickly hurried to comfort him and cover his mouth.
“We don’t have a Palpatine in our pageant,” Moose sighed in return while fastening parts to the fall-apart Death Star prop and trying to keep the Ewok choir from choking themselves with their rocks and sticks.
“But the archives! They talk ALL about Palpatine. Says he was mean and tried to kill Luke! Tried to kill lots of other beings, too!”
“He’s right,” Pitt chimed in. “We looked him up.”
Looked him up? Did these bloggers actually spend time in the databank archives? Maybe they really did care about the Force.
Nah.
“What are you going to do about it, Deej?” Michelle68 goaded, clearly annoyed with his insufficient knowledge on such a common subject as the Sith.
“We should make mean song parodies about him! I can lock him in my toy room and make a video!” Deej taunted back. “Somebody come play Palpatine so we can flame you!”
“No need for permabans, OK DJ Maul?” Moose quickly interrupted.
Shelly and Angel looked at each other rolled their eyes, but I could only think about how Deej reacted. Too often we think of all the pure and saintly things about BFD, forgetting how hard it must have been to stand up to a Sithy like Palpatine. My thoughts were soon--
Stooge then entered rehearsal decked out in full Darth Vader gear, voice changer mask and all. "Knock, knock!"
“I don’t get it,” Darth Hiram replied.
“Anakin’s Force Spirit is supposed to be good! That means the light side of the Force, monkey-lizard.” Gidrea Lightsky sneered. Gidrea loved Anakin and would never stand to see his character portrayed as anything less than the Good and Pure Force Spirit, exactly like in all the pageants before. Giddy grumbled towards the pilot section, “Ami should be playing that part.”
“No need to get emotional. Plus, I’m the most popular blogger. For the part.” Stooge insisted.
“It doesn’t so much matter who plays the part,” Moose tried to mediate, “it’s about who embodies the essence of that character. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit should be just that: good and pure.”
“And dead!” Nobby added. This just sent more Ewoks crying for their moms and Masters.
“Sure, dork, side with Stooge!” Hiram smirked.
“You’re just mad because you don’t get to play Han Solo again this year,” Deej sneered.
“So what if I am? It’s not like—“
“That’s it! I’m blocking you two! We need to get through this story at least once. The performance is in one standard day!” Moose told them. “Now, Ewoks, please begin with the opening theme and Rebel Pilots lock S-foils in attack position…”
“So Palpatine and Darth Vader build another Death Star? After the first one blew up so easily? Didn’t they have any other ideas?” Sarlacc Pitt questioned.
“First of all, tentacle brain,” said Ami, “you call that easy?”
“Hey, that’s my line!” Deej insisted, “And how come I don’t get a big furry side-kick? Not fair! I want a Wookiee!”
“Cookies?” Nobby suddenly piped up.
"Wookiee!" The Pilots answered in unison.
“Fine! You can have your Wookiee! Happy Life Day,” Moose surrendered, not wanting to argue over all these details.
“Cookies!” Cheered Nobby, the Pilots rolling their eyes.
“Zach, you go ahead and stand by Deej,” the director called, “You get to be the mighty Chewbacca. Are we ever going to get through this rehearsal? Put on your costumes, bloggers!”
“Hey, where’s my medal?” Zach wondered, looking through the costume racks.
“You don’t get one. Han, Leia, and Luke get one, but not you!” JMW told him.
“Aoacraao'c whooao wwraahrc! Why no medal? I blew up the Death Star, too, right?”
“That’s just how George made it and everything he does is perfect,” JMW finished.
Zach pondered this new information, but kept growling in disappointment. As I watched the others put on their painted gold medals, I couldn’t help but think Zach was right. That wasn’t fair at all. Why had no one thought to mention this once in all the previous pageant years?
“What if Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight had taken Darth Vader up on his offer?” Pitt asked. JMW went on and explained the whole scenario to him, how Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight would never do such a thing in a million standard rotations, but I caught a couple of glances from some of the Spew Crew. What if Vader had been successful in gaining his new apprentice? What sort of a place would the galaxy have become? That's a future that's bound to be cloudy.
“I’m not allowed to talk about Sith,” Galactic Babe said.
“I got some babies we can use for newborn Luke and Leia!” Stooge exclaimed out of nowhere.
“Great, Stooge. Babies are nice. GB, well, let’s not then! From here on out, Sith-talk is cause for a ban,” Moose told them amongst the cries of the two children. “Now can we please separate those babies and get on with the show? Ewoks! Sing!”
And with that the whole bunch of miniature fuzzy bears sang their loudest and proudest “Yub Nub” celebration song while Deej and Hiram tried to settle a “who is scruffiest” argument, Mina and HG fought about clones, Zach attempted to steal Pitt’s medal, Gidrea blinded half the pilots with her new hairstyle, and Stooge soothed the crying babies through his Vader voice changer.
“Wait! Stop!” Moose cried, “That’s the wrong song!”
Yes, this was definitely going to be the worst BFD pageant. Ever.
This is all his fault, he says. It wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t stuck in a bacta tank, he says! My Maker. He must be surprised that the twin suns still set each evening without him to supervise!
*Later that day*
“So who plays Palpatine?” Deej demanded as he entered the Endorian set for the dress rehearsal, twelve parsecs late. “I’m really hungry…” he added, eyeing the Ewok choir.
“Grandma!” Screamed one of the little Ewoks. Leia19886 and GalacticBabe quickly hurried to comfort him and cover his mouth.
“We don’t have a Palpatine in our pageant,” Moose sighed in return while fastening parts to the fall-apart Death Star prop and trying to keep the Ewok choir from choking themselves with their rocks and sticks.
“But the archives! They talk ALL about Palpatine. Says he was mean and tried to kill Luke! Tried to kill lots of other beings, too!”
“He’s right,” Pitt chimed in. “We looked him up.”
Looked him up? Did these bloggers actually spend time in the databank archives? Maybe they really did care about the Force.
Nah.
“What are you going to do about it, Deej?” Michelle68 goaded, clearly annoyed with his insufficient knowledge on such a common subject as the Sith.
“We should make mean song parodies about him! I can lock him in my toy room and make a video!” Deej taunted back. “Somebody come play Palpatine so we can flame you!”
“No need for permabans, OK DJ Maul?” Moose quickly interrupted.
Shelly and Angel looked at each other rolled their eyes, but I could only think about how Deej reacted. Too often we think of all the pure and saintly things about BFD, forgetting how hard it must have been to stand up to a Sithy like Palpatine. My thoughts were soon--
Stooge then entered rehearsal decked out in full Darth Vader gear, voice changer mask and all. "Knock, knock!"
“I don’t get it,” Darth Hiram replied.
“Anakin’s Force Spirit is supposed to be good! That means the light side of the Force, monkey-lizard.” Gidrea Lightsky sneered. Gidrea loved Anakin and would never stand to see his character portrayed as anything less than the Good and Pure Force Spirit, exactly like in all the pageants before. Giddy grumbled towards the pilot section, “Ami should be playing that part.”
“No need to get emotional. Plus, I’m the most popular blogger. For the part.” Stooge insisted.
“It doesn’t so much matter who plays the part,” Moose tried to mediate, “it’s about who embodies the essence of that character. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit should be just that: good and pure.”
“And dead!” Nobby added. This just sent more Ewoks crying for their moms and Masters.
“Sure, dork, side with Stooge!” Hiram smirked.
“You’re just mad because you don’t get to play Han Solo again this year,” Deej sneered.
“So what if I am? It’s not like—“
“That’s it! I’m blocking you two! We need to get through this story at least once. The performance is in one standard day!” Moose told them. “Now, Ewoks, please begin with the opening theme and Rebel Pilots lock S-foils in attack position…”
“So Palpatine and Darth Vader build another Death Star? After the first one blew up so easily? Didn’t they have any other ideas?” Sarlacc Pitt questioned.
“First of all, tentacle brain,” said Ami, “you call that easy?”
“Hey, that’s my line!” Deej insisted, “And how come I don’t get a big furry side-kick? Not fair! I want a Wookiee!”
“Cookies?” Nobby suddenly piped up.
"Wookiee!" The Pilots answered in unison.
“Fine! You can have your Wookiee! Happy Life Day,” Moose surrendered, not wanting to argue over all these details.
“Cookies!” Cheered Nobby, the Pilots rolling their eyes.
“Zach, you go ahead and stand by Deej,” the director called, “You get to be the mighty Chewbacca. Are we ever going to get through this rehearsal? Put on your costumes, bloggers!”
“Hey, where’s my medal?” Zach wondered, looking through the costume racks.
“You don’t get one. Han, Leia, and Luke get one, but not you!” JMW told him.
“Aoacraao'c whooao wwraahrc! Why no medal? I blew up the Death Star, too, right?”
“That’s just how George made it and everything he does is perfect,” JMW finished.
Zach pondered this new information, but kept growling in disappointment. As I watched the others put on their painted gold medals, I couldn’t help but think Zach was right. That wasn’t fair at all. Why had no one thought to mention this once in all the previous pageant years?
“What if Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight had taken Darth Vader up on his offer?” Pitt asked. JMW went on and explained the whole scenario to him, how Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight would never do such a thing in a million standard rotations, but I caught a couple of glances from some of the Spew Crew. What if Vader had been successful in gaining his new apprentice? What sort of a place would the galaxy have become? That's a future that's bound to be cloudy.
“I’m not allowed to talk about Sith,” Galactic Babe said.
“I got some babies we can use for newborn Luke and Leia!” Stooge exclaimed out of nowhere.
“Great, Stooge. Babies are nice. GB, well, let’s not then! From here on out, Sith-talk is cause for a ban,” Moose told them amongst the cries of the two children. “Now can we please separate those babies and get on with the show? Ewoks! Sing!”
And with that the whole bunch of miniature fuzzy bears sang their loudest and proudest “Yub Nub” celebration song while Deej and Hiram tried to settle a “who is scruffiest” argument, Mina and HG fought about clones, Zach attempted to steal Pitt’s medal, Gidrea blinded half the pilots with her new hairstyle, and Stooge soothed the crying babies through his Vader voice changer.
“Wait! Stop!” Moose cried, “That’s the wrong song!”
Yes, this was definitely going to be the worst BFD pageant. Ever.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART I
PART 1
The Mods were calling The Dark Moose morning, noon, and especially Fridays during The Clone Wars. The whole blogging community was in an uproar about his taking over the annual Balanced Force Day pageant because, well, we had better start at the beginning, a long time ago…I mean, last week….
“A tauntaun accident?! And you want me to take over the BFD pageant?” Dark Moose was surprised. George Lucas never relinquished his directorship over anything, let alone the Balanced Force Day pageant. That must have been some accident!
“Yes, Moose, you are our only hope!” George exclaimed. “Don’t worry, I can still help while in the bacta tank. Besides, the pageant is the same every year: Viago Angel plays Padmé, Hansgirl plays Leia, Hiram plays Han Solo, JMW plays Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, Gidrea plays Obi-Wan’s ghost, and Amidalooine plays Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Easy as pulling the ears off a gundark.”
“OK, George, I’ll do it. In fact, I’ll make this the BEST BFD pageant ever!”
“Yep, sure you will. I’ll call you after the first rehearsal.”
George did call. And so did all the rest of the mods. And concerned bloggers. And parents of concerned bloggers. And mods representing the parents of concerned bloggers. They called just about every day! Can we really blame them after what happened at the first rehearsal? You tell me:
I am always a Rebel Pilot. Not that I wouldn’t rather play an important part, like Padmé or a Jedi Knight, but being a pilot lets you slip through the cracks unnoticed. If you can slip through the cracks (by not being an especially funny or serious blogger and never raising your hand when somebody asks how you feel about Padmé being an agent of the dark side), you avoid them. No one seems to know why they came to pageant rehearsal this year when they’ve never been before, but I do. Sarlacc Pitt found out from Galactic Babe that we have Wookiee Cookies and told all of his friends. That’s why they are here, definitely not because of the story of BFD.
“Let’s get started,” Moose sighed, already tired from telling Pitt over and over that there were no refreshments at this, the first rehearsal. “Where is my Ewok choir?”
All the littlest bloggers raised their hands, that is, if they realized they were being spoken to. The Ewok choir is always made up of the littlest because they are short and can look cute just singing weird songs and not doing anything else. George loves the Ewok choir.
“Alright, now let’s pick some of the big speaking roles. How about the role of Padmé?”
“Who’s that?” DJ Maul asked, receiving snickers from the more seasoned pageant actors and actresses.
“She’s the mother of baby Luke and Leia,” Hansgirl said, rolling her eyes. “How could anyone not know that.”
“Shut up! I never heard this story before!” Master Mina said, elbowing Hansgirl in the ribs.
“Yeah, it's not in any of my Top 10s!” Chimed Stooge.
“You’ve never heard the story of Balanced Force Day before?” Asked a baffled Moose. “Let’s start at Episode I, then.” This received a roar of grumbles from most of the bloggers, even the Ewok choir, but they all seemed very interested, so Moose continued. “Little Annie Skywalker was born a slave on Tatooine…."
*6 1/2 hours later*
"…In his second attempt to face Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight did something more powerful than defeat him in a lightsaber battle. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight broke through the dark side and helped Anakin return to the light side of the Force! Anakin’s body could no longer survive, but Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit lived on. Just as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was bringing the Force back into balance, the Rebel Pilots defeated the great and powerful Death Star! This was cause for celebration, which was marked by the melodious Ewok Choir led by Han Solo and Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit celebrated the wonder that was the very first Balanced Force Day.”
Most of the bloggers were fidgeting or checking their Myspace pages, but they were just sitting there listening, stunned into rare silence.
“So,” Moose cautiously asked, “Who wants to play Padmé?”
Nob01, usually just called Nobby because of his knobby knees and elbows on his skinny little legs and arms, raised his hand proudly.
“Anyone else?” Moose asked nervously. “ViagoAngel, wouldn’t you like to volunteer?”
Angel just sat there, silently staring at the sandy ground. She wouldn’t dare volunteer now that Nobby had staked his claim. Of course she wanted to be Padmé because she was always Padmé, but if she raised her hand, Nobby would write her into his Dork Side cartoon and use it as black-e-mail! Or worse! You wouldn’t believe they were capable of such awful things, but they were. All of them were.
“Well then, let’s have volunteers for Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight,” Moose said, moving on. “Jedi Melinda, you usually play this part, would you like to volunteer?”
Poor little JMW nervously bit her lip. She loved playing the part of Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and everybody knew it. It was one of the main speaking parts and JMW loved to talk about Star Wars.
“SHE can’t ever do it! You said in the story Luke’s a boy!” Snarked Mina. “I wanted to be Luke, but since he’s stupid and I’m a girl, I’ll be Princess Leia instead. Even though I’m really a queen, which is better than a princess. Sarlacc Pitt! Raise your hand for the Jedi Knight Luke. Do it now!”
“Do we have any other Leia volunteers?” Moose asked, eyeing Hansgirl. When no one moved, he sighed and wrote down Mina’s name next to the part of Leia.
“Would anyone else like to volunteer? Type up, bloggers! We can make a list of all volunteers now and decide later who would be best,” Moose suggested. But no one moved. No one spoke up for any of the parts, for fear of them. At the end of the rehearsal, we had Nobby as Padmé the Angel, Deej as Han Solo, Master Mina as Princess Leia, Pitt as Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and the nastiest of all of them, Stooge, as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit.
This was going to be the WORST Balanced Force Day pageant EVER!
The Mods were calling The Dark Moose morning, noon, and especially Fridays during The Clone Wars. The whole blogging community was in an uproar about his taking over the annual Balanced Force Day pageant because, well, we had better start at the beginning, a long time ago…I mean, last week….
“A tauntaun accident?! And you want me to take over the BFD pageant?” Dark Moose was surprised. George Lucas never relinquished his directorship over anything, let alone the Balanced Force Day pageant. That must have been some accident!
“Yes, Moose, you are our only hope!” George exclaimed. “Don’t worry, I can still help while in the bacta tank. Besides, the pageant is the same every year: Viago Angel plays Padmé, Hansgirl plays Leia, Hiram plays Han Solo, JMW plays Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, Gidrea plays Obi-Wan’s ghost, and Amidalooine plays Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Easy as pulling the ears off a gundark.”
“OK, George, I’ll do it. In fact, I’ll make this the BEST BFD pageant ever!”
“Yep, sure you will. I’ll call you after the first rehearsal.”
George did call. And so did all the rest of the mods. And concerned bloggers. And parents of concerned bloggers. And mods representing the parents of concerned bloggers. They called just about every day! Can we really blame them after what happened at the first rehearsal? You tell me:
I am always a Rebel Pilot. Not that I wouldn’t rather play an important part, like Padmé or a Jedi Knight, but being a pilot lets you slip through the cracks unnoticed. If you can slip through the cracks (by not being an especially funny or serious blogger and never raising your hand when somebody asks how you feel about Padmé being an agent of the dark side), you avoid them. No one seems to know why they came to pageant rehearsal this year when they’ve never been before, but I do. Sarlacc Pitt found out from Galactic Babe that we have Wookiee Cookies and told all of his friends. That’s why they are here, definitely not because of the story of BFD.
“Let’s get started,” Moose sighed, already tired from telling Pitt over and over that there were no refreshments at this, the first rehearsal. “Where is my Ewok choir?”
All the littlest bloggers raised their hands, that is, if they realized they were being spoken to. The Ewok choir is always made up of the littlest because they are short and can look cute just singing weird songs and not doing anything else. George loves the Ewok choir.
“Alright, now let’s pick some of the big speaking roles. How about the role of Padmé?”
“Who’s that?” DJ Maul asked, receiving snickers from the more seasoned pageant actors and actresses.
“She’s the mother of baby Luke and Leia,” Hansgirl said, rolling her eyes. “How could anyone not know that.”
“Shut up! I never heard this story before!” Master Mina said, elbowing Hansgirl in the ribs.
“Yeah, it's not in any of my Top 10s!” Chimed Stooge.
“You’ve never heard the story of Balanced Force Day before?” Asked a baffled Moose. “Let’s start at Episode I, then.” This received a roar of grumbles from most of the bloggers, even the Ewok choir, but they all seemed very interested, so Moose continued. “Little Annie Skywalker was born a slave on Tatooine…."
*6 1/2 hours later*
"…In his second attempt to face Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight did something more powerful than defeat him in a lightsaber battle. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight broke through the dark side and helped Anakin return to the light side of the Force! Anakin’s body could no longer survive, but Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit lived on. Just as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was bringing the Force back into balance, the Rebel Pilots defeated the great and powerful Death Star! This was cause for celebration, which was marked by the melodious Ewok Choir led by Han Solo and Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit celebrated the wonder that was the very first Balanced Force Day.”
Most of the bloggers were fidgeting or checking their Myspace pages, but they were just sitting there listening, stunned into rare silence.
“So,” Moose cautiously asked, “Who wants to play Padmé?”
Nob01, usually just called Nobby because of his knobby knees and elbows on his skinny little legs and arms, raised his hand proudly.
“Anyone else?” Moose asked nervously. “ViagoAngel, wouldn’t you like to volunteer?”
Angel just sat there, silently staring at the sandy ground. She wouldn’t dare volunteer now that Nobby had staked his claim. Of course she wanted to be Padmé because she was always Padmé, but if she raised her hand, Nobby would write her into his Dork Side cartoon and use it as black-e-mail! Or worse! You wouldn’t believe they were capable of such awful things, but they were. All of them were.
“Well then, let’s have volunteers for Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight,” Moose said, moving on. “Jedi Melinda, you usually play this part, would you like to volunteer?”
Poor little JMW nervously bit her lip. She loved playing the part of Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and everybody knew it. It was one of the main speaking parts and JMW loved to talk about Star Wars.
“SHE can’t ever do it! You said in the story Luke’s a boy!” Snarked Mina. “I wanted to be Luke, but since he’s stupid and I’m a girl, I’ll be Princess Leia instead. Even though I’m really a queen, which is better than a princess. Sarlacc Pitt! Raise your hand for the Jedi Knight Luke. Do it now!”
“Do we have any other Leia volunteers?” Moose asked, eyeing Hansgirl. When no one moved, he sighed and wrote down Mina’s name next to the part of Leia.
“Would anyone else like to volunteer? Type up, bloggers! We can make a list of all volunteers now and decide later who would be best,” Moose suggested. But no one moved. No one spoke up for any of the parts, for fear of them. At the end of the rehearsal, we had Nobby as Padmé the Angel, Deej as Han Solo, Master Mina as Princess Leia, Pitt as Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and the nastiest of all of them, Stooge, as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit.
This was going to be the WORST Balanced Force Day pageant EVER!
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