JP's HOLIDAY SPECIAL!

BFD 08 MAD LIBS!

2008-12-18T19:37:00.017-06:00

Dear Auntie Leia,

I want to thank you for sending me the driven BFD present. I never had a Naboo before! I can use it to repair all my drivers. It will also keep my leg warm if we have any silly weather here on Hoth. I really like the school bus you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 88 credits. All of the other younglings around here have gross droids, but now mine is the only one that has 4 different swimmers. It will help me with my bloody studies at the academy and I know I will get more walkers this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your sandwich when I visit next season!

Your sticky niece,

Leia 19886

Dear Uncle Darth Vader,

I want to thank you for sending me the evil BFD present. I never had any blue milk before! I can use it to repair all my moisture vaporators. It will also keep my arm warm if we have any scruffy-looking weather here on Hoth. I really like the cantina you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 66 credits. All of the other younglings around here have bright droids, but now mine is the only one that has 2 different blasters. It will help me with my tall studies at the academy and I know I will get more planets this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your starship for a visit next season!

Your tiny niece,

ewan&haydenfan5

Dear Uncle Luke Skywalker,

I want to thank you for sending me the stately BFD present. I never had a mission before! I can use it to repair all my communiqués. It will also keep my liver warm if we have any stoic weather here on Hoth. I really like the teardrop you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 3 credits. All of the other younglings around here have misconstrued droids, but now mine is the only one that has 17 different leg warmers. It will help me with my disastrous studies at the academy and I know I will get more proton torpedoes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your treatise when I visit next season!

Your euphoric niece,

JediMelindaW

Dear Uncle Obi-Wan,

I want to thank you for sending me the frozen BFD present. I never had a lightsaber before! I can use it to repair all my starships. It will also keep my big toe warm if we have any frothy weather here on Hoth. I really like the dianoga you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 15 credits. All of the other younglings around here have creepy droids, but now mine is the only one that has 2 different blasters. It will help me with my windy studies at the academy and I know I will get more men this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your handmaiden when I visit next season!

Your shiny niece,

GalacticBabe

Dear Uncle Bib Fortuna,

I want to thank you for sending me the plump BFD present. I never had a landspeeder before! I can use it to repair all my jawas. It will also keep my dangly bits warm if we have any scarlet weather here on Hoth. I really like the duck you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 42 credits. All of the other younglings around here have mottled droids, but now mine is the only one that has 3 different thermal detonators. It will help me with my moist studies at the academy and I know I will get more ships this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your sand for a visit next season!

Your saucy nephew,

Nob01

Dear Uncle Anakin Skywalker,

I want to thank you for sending me the shiny BFD present. I never had a helmet before! I can use it to repair all my ewoks. It will also keep my tongue warm if we have any new weather here on Hoth. I really like the kowakian monkey-lizard you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 42 credits. All of the other younglings around here have blue droids, but now mine is the only one that has 13 different lightsabers. It will help me with my delicious studies at the academy and I know I will get more robes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your Millennium Falcon for a visit next season!

Your fast nephew,

Padaweirdo

Dear Uncle Lobot,

I want to thank you for sending me the sparkly BFD present. I never had a flugelhorn before! I can use it to repair all my nutcrackers. It will also keep my kneecap warm if we have any dazzling weather here on Hoth. I really like the dagger you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 1,138 credits. All of the other younglings around here have effervescent droids, but now mine is the only one that has 77 different pan flutes. It will help me with my aggressive studies at the academy and I know I will get more toilets this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your galaxy for a visit next season!

Your putrid nephew,

Sarlacc-Pitt

Dear Uncle Yoda,

I want to thank you for sending me the funny BFD present. I never had a cactus before! I can use it to repair all my eggs. It will also keep my elbow warm if we have any greasy weather here on Hoth. I really like the rock you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 12 credits. All of the other younglings around here have flimsy droids, but now mine is the only one that has 27 different birds. It will help me with my chilly studies at the academy and I know I will get more cubes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your creek for a visit next season!

Your spicy niece,

Gidrea Lightsky

Dear Uncle Bob,

I want to thank you for sending me the sugar-coated BFD present. I never had a microwave before! I can use it to repair all my trees. It will also keep my ear warm if we have any weather here on Hoth. I really like the cat you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 19 credits. All of the other younglings around here have purple droids, but now mine is the only one that has 3.14 different bloggers. It will help me with my springy studies at the academy and I know I will get more houseshoes this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your belch when I visit next season!

Your shocking nephew,

usetheforce19

Dear Uncle Anakin,

I want to thank you for sending me the hot BFD present. I never had hockey before! I can use it to repair all my flurries. It will also keep my shoulders warm if we have any squirrelly weather here on Hoth. I really like the mynock you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 31 credits. All of the other younglings around here have festive droids, but now mine is the only one that has 10 different stormtroopers. It will help me with my su-weet studies at the academy and I know I will get more cookies this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your kiss when I visit next season!

Your scintillating niece,

amidalooine

Dear Uncle George Lucas,

I want to thank you for sending me the shiny BFD present. I never had a cat before! I can use it to repair all my kitties. It will also keep my belly button warm if we have any pretty weather here on Hoth. I really like the hydrospanner you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 13 credits. All of the other younglings around here have humongous droids, but now mine is the only one that has 42 different pants. It will help me with my junky studies at the academy and I know I will get more cookies this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come see your droid when I visit next season!

Your sparkly niece,

Hansgirl3

Dear Uncle Lobot,

I want to thank you for sending me the slimy BFD present. I never had a bacta tank before! I can use it to repair all my Jedi robes. It will also keep my kneecap warm if we have any magnificent weather here on Hoth. I really like the lightsaber you sent me, too. It must have cost at least 1,927 credits. All of the other younglings around here have gigantic droids, but now mine is the only one that has 35 different pants. It will help me with my robust studies at the academy and I know I will get more buckets this standard year. If I pass the trials, my Jedi Master says I can come to your telephone booth for a visit next season!

Your beautiful nephew,

Darth Hiram

The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART III

2008-12-18T19:36:00.004-06:00

We peered through the crack in the curtain to see the audience. The place was jam-packed! This was way bigger than the “Howard the Duck” premiere and even George was there (with a few bacta patches). Somebody must’ve learned a little something about marketing. Or maybe all these people just wanted to see Moose fall on his antlers. Either way, we were all nervous.

“OK, so you all remember your lines? Got your cues down? Who goes where and when?” Moose whispered.

“Yes, but what’s my motivation?” Ami, now playing a Rebel Pilot, asked. “What’s everyone’s motivation? I need to know!”

Angel pulled Nobby aside for some last-minute advice. “Padmé was the most beautiful and kindest soul who ever lived, so make sure you act like that, OK?”

Nobby said nothing as he focused intently on fastening his royal headpiece and refreshing his royal lipstick.

“Padmé didn’t wear goofy things like that! Why would she wear giant metal things or twist her hair all up? She was practical.” Ewandhaydenfan chimed in. “Just like Leia. She would never wear silly hairstyles like Mina has. Crazy buns all over her head….”

The Crew crossed their arms, stuck out their hips, and nodded in agreement.

“This is supposed to make a pretty BFD picture for people to look at,” Gidrea stated, “but who would want to look at this mess?”

For the most part, she was right. Several of the Ewoks forgot their costumes and all of them had to use the ‘fresher. Bloggers were hurriedly writing lines on the backs of their hands and Stooge’s babies threw up all over the funeral pyre.

“Lights down, start music…” Moose whispered from backstage, “Padmé, you’re on!”

As the lights came up, Nobby was center stage screaming. “Ah! Aaaahhh! AAAAHHH! I am dying! Dyyyyyyiiiiiiinnnnng!” Not even close to the angelic picture of Padmé we all expect to see in a pageant.

Moose just shook his head in admission of defeat.

“Plop, plop!” Nobby made the sounds of the twins’ birth, accompanied by laughter from the audience. Perhaps also by George’s crying.

“Luuuuuke,” Nobby strained, “Leeeeiiiiiaaaa.” The medical droid played by GalacticBabe tried to sooth the dying Padmé.

“Oh, bugger off,” Nobby told her. As he walked off stage he was clearly heard saying, “I would have named them Harry and Buttercup….”

6 & ½ hours later

“Come on, Chewie!” Deej proclaimed. “We have to go save our friends!”

“Argh,” zach replied in a rather uninspiring manner. “Woof woof.”

“We must bring down the shield with the help of these might Ewoks,” pointing to the little ones, all doing the potty dance, “so that our friend Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight can bring peace to the galaxy!”

“Yeah, woof.”

The un-dynamic duo gazed up at the giant plastic Death Star, glued together due to one too many explosions, as the scene changed to the Death Star’s interior.

“Ooh, good segue,” came from somewhere backstage.

“Ah!” A startled Pitt jumped about three meters into the air. “Who are you?” He whispered, straining to see in the dim lamplight. “Oh, right! You’re my dead dad.”

“He’s not dead yet,” Moose sighed. “Soon, though. Soon we will all be dead…”

“Father, help me! Please!” Pitt interjected.

“You boys should probably GET ON STAGE before you say your lines!” said Moose as he pushed the guys so hard they knocked over two-thirds of the baby Ewoks.

“Right. Well, dad, you should turn to the light side again now,”

“Why?” Stooge asked, brushing himself free of cheap costume fur.

“Um,” Pitt stalled, checking the lines written on his arm, “That’s not in the script. But, um, ‘cause…yeah! Because there’s still good in you! Everybody says you are selfish, mean, out for power, blinded by Palpatine, whiny, barely human, stupid…”

“OK, I get it.”

“But there’s still love in your heart for your wife and children. Padmé knew it--”

“I did!” Nobby called from off-stage.

“And I know it. Find that little light inside you and that’s all it will take.”

The entire fleet of Pilots stood there with their mouths gaping. Was he really making this up off the top of his tentacles?

“Got it! Where’s Palpatine?” Stooge asked as he walked towards the Pilots. He grabbed usetheforce19 and said, “You’ll do!” Stooge picked up the poor young blogger and tossed him backstage. All we could hear was usetheforce19’s muffled cries and Stooge’s fake exploding sounds. Then Stooge removed his helmet and wearily sat down. In all the pageants before, Vader’s transformation back to Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit had been a bang and half, greater than the exploding Death Star even, full of overacting and special effect. Stooge’s way made more sense. How exhausting it must have been to become Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Of course he needed to sit down and rest.

“Cool, well, then I’m off! This thing’s about to blow, right?” Pitt said as the little Ewok choir burst into song with “Let it Blow! Let it Blow! Let it Blow!”

“HEY! TELL YOUR SISTER!” Stooge yelled at the exiting blogger, making sure not only Pitt, but also the entire planet could hear him.

“Tell her yourself!” Pitt shouted back, very unlike the always calm and never whiny Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight of pageants past. And with that, the moment was over, but I knew what happened. Glancing out at the audience, I knew they felt it too. Over the years we had become more passionate about the action figures and continuity arguments than the story, and here a jokester blogger and his cohorts were putting true feeling into each moment. Telling the story, for the first time ever in this pageant, from the heart.

The rest of the pageant was supposed to be easy—all we had to do was have a giant party with the Ewoks—but the hard part was going to be getting along. They, those nasty, snarky bloggers, had overrun the entire pageant, stealing it out from under us. What happened next, however, blew us all away (no pun intended). Master Mina, Queen of Snark herself, walked over to zachstarwalker, barely able to stand on his stilts all covered in Wookiee fur, and handed him a small item. He turned around to face the audience and placed the special ceremonial medal around his hairy neck. Clearly, this was his proudest moment in the whole pageant.

While zach was having his moment, Stooge and Pitt were dancing together, having the time of their lives…or afterlives, depending on which. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was less reserved than we’d like to think, but that made this party all the more fun.

As the curtain closed and the Ewoks began to sing the final “Yub Nub,” the entire Spew Crew squeed in unison. A squee of relief, I’d imagine, but in a strange way, I didn’t want it to end.

“WAIT!” George yelled, jumping out of his seat and heading after the little Ewoks, “That’s the WRONG SONG!”

It was the best BFD pageant we ever had. Everybody said so, though no one could quite figure out why.

The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART II

2008-12-18T01:42:00.004-06:00

“Hello, George?” Poor Moose answered, “Yes, I know what’s been happening, I’m directing the pageant….Yes….No…What? Listen, can we talk later?” Moose fumed:

This is all his fault, he says. It wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t stuck in a bacta tank, he says! My Maker. He must be surprised that the twin suns still set each evening without him to supervise!

*Later that day*

“So who plays Palpatine?” Deej demanded as he entered the Endorian set for the dress rehearsal, twelve parsecs late. “I’m really hungry…” he added, eyeing the Ewok choir.

“Grandma!” Screamed one of the little Ewoks. Leia19886 and GalacticBabe quickly hurried to comfort him and cover his mouth.

“We don’t have a Palpatine in our pageant,” Moose sighed in return while fastening parts to the fall-apart Death Star prop and trying to keep the Ewok choir from choking themselves with their rocks and sticks.

“But the archives! They talk ALL about Palpatine. Says he was mean and tried to kill Luke! Tried to kill lots of other beings, too!”

“He’s right,” Pitt chimed in. “We looked him up.”

Looked him up? Did these bloggers actually spend time in the databank archives? Maybe they really did care about the Force.

Nah.

“What are you going to do about it, Deej?” Michelle68 goaded, clearly annoyed with his insufficient knowledge on such a common subject as the Sith.

“We should make mean song parodies about him! I can lock him in my toy room and make a video!” Deej taunted back. “Somebody come play Palpatine so we can flame you!”

“No need for permabans, OK DJ Maul?” Moose quickly interrupted.

Shelly and Angel looked at each other rolled their eyes, but I could only think about how Deej reacted. Too often we think of all the pure and saintly things about BFD, forgetting how hard it must have been to stand up to a Sithy like Palpatine. My thoughts were soon--

Stooge then entered rehearsal decked out in full Darth Vader gear, voice changer mask and all. "Knock, knock!"

“I don’t get it,” Darth Hiram replied.

“Anakin’s Force Spirit is supposed to be good! That means the light side of the Force, monkey-lizard.” Gidrea Lightsky sneered. Gidrea loved Anakin and would never stand to see his character portrayed as anything less than the Good and Pure Force Spirit, exactly like in all the pageants before. Giddy grumbled towards the pilot section, “Ami should be playing that part.”

“No need to get emotional. Plus, I’m the most popular blogger. For the part.” Stooge insisted.

“It doesn’t so much matter who plays the part,” Moose tried to mediate, “it’s about who embodies the essence of that character. Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit should be just that: good and pure.”

“And dead!” Nobby added. This just sent more Ewoks crying for their moms and Masters.

“Sure, dork, side with Stooge!” Hiram smirked.

“You’re just mad because you don’t get to play Han Solo again this year,” Deej sneered.

“So what if I am? It’s not like—“

“That’s it! I’m blocking you two! We need to get through this story at least once. The performance is in one standard day!” Moose told them. “Now, Ewoks, please begin with the opening theme and Rebel Pilots lock S-foils in attack position…”

“So Palpatine and Darth Vader build another Death Star? After the first one blew up so easily? Didn’t they have any other ideas?” Sarlacc Pitt questioned.

“First of all, tentacle brain,” said Ami, “you call that easy?”

“Hey, that’s my line!” Deej insisted, “And how come I don’t get a big furry side-kick? Not fair! I want a Wookiee!”

“Cookies?” Nobby suddenly piped up.

"Wookiee!" The Pilots answered in unison.

“Fine! You can have your Wookiee! Happy Life Day,” Moose surrendered, not wanting to argue over all these details.

“Cookies!” Cheered Nobby, the Pilots rolling their eyes.

“Zach, you go ahead and stand by Deej,” the director called, “You get to be the mighty Chewbacca. Are we ever going to get through this rehearsal? Put on your costumes, bloggers!”

“Hey, where’s my medal?” Zach wondered, looking through the costume racks.

“You don’t get one. Han, Leia, and Luke get one, but not you!” JMW told him.

“Aoacraao'c whooao wwraahrc! Why no medal? I blew up the Death Star, too, right?”

“That’s just how George made it and everything he does is perfect,” JMW finished.

Zach pondered this new information, but kept growling in disappointment. As I watched the others put on their painted gold medals, I couldn’t help but think Zach was right. That wasn’t fair at all. Why had no one thought to mention this once in all the previous pageant years?

“What if Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight had taken Darth Vader up on his offer?” Pitt asked. JMW went on and explained the whole scenario to him, how Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight would never do such a thing in a million standard rotations, but I caught a couple of glances from some of the Spew Crew. What if Vader had been successful in gaining his new apprentice? What sort of a place would the galaxy have become? That's a future that's bound to be cloudy.

“I’m not allowed to talk about Sith,” Galactic Babe said.

“I got some babies we can use for newborn Luke and Leia!” Stooge exclaimed out of nowhere.

“Great, Stooge. Babies are nice. GB, well, let’s not then! From here on out, Sith-talk is cause for a ban,” Moose told them amongst the cries of the two children. “Now can we please separate those babies and get on with the show? Ewoks! Sing!”

And with that the whole bunch of miniature fuzzy bears sang their loudest and proudest “Yub Nub” celebration song while Deej and Hiram tried to settle a “who is scruffiest” argument, Mina and HG fought about clones, Zach attempted to steal Pitt’s medal, Gidrea blinded half the pilots with her new hairstyle, and Stooge soothed the crying babies through his Vader voice changer.

“Wait! Stop!” Moose cried, “That’s the wrong song!”

Yes, this was definitely going to be the worst BFD pageant. Ever.

The Best BFD Pageant Ever - PART I

2008-12-17T00:10:00.007-06:00

PART 1

The Mods were calling The Dark Moose morning, noon, and especially Fridays during The Clone Wars. The whole blogging community was in an uproar about his taking over the annual Balanced Force Day pageant because, well, we had better start at the beginning, a long time ago…I mean, last week….

“A tauntaun accident?! And you want me to take over the BFD pageant?” Dark Moose was surprised. George Lucas never relinquished his directorship over anything, let alone the Balanced Force Day pageant. That must have been some accident!

“Yes, Moose, you are our only hope!” George exclaimed. “Don’t worry, I can still help while in the bacta tank. Besides, the pageant is the same every year: Viago Angel plays Padmé, Hansgirl plays Leia, Hiram plays Han Solo, JMW plays Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight, Gidrea plays Obi-Wan’s ghost, and Amidalooine plays Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit. Easy as pulling the ears off a gundark.”

“OK, George, I’ll do it. In fact, I’ll make this the BEST BFD pageant ever!”

“Yep, sure you will. I’ll call you after the first rehearsal.”

George did call. And so did all the rest of the mods. And concerned bloggers. And parents of concerned bloggers. And mods representing the parents of concerned bloggers. They called just about every day! Can we really blame them after what happened at the first rehearsal? You tell me:

I am always a Rebel Pilot. Not that I wouldn’t rather play an important part, like Padmé or a Jedi Knight, but being a pilot lets you slip through the cracks unnoticed. If you can slip through the cracks (by not being an especially funny or serious blogger and never raising your hand when somebody asks how you feel about Padmé being an agent of the dark side), you avoid them. No one seems to know why they came to pageant rehearsal this year when they’ve never been before, but I do. Sarlacc Pitt found out from Galactic Babe that we have Wookiee Cookies and told all of his friends. That’s why they are here, definitely not because of the story of BFD.

“Let’s get started,” Moose sighed, already tired from telling Pitt over and over that there were no refreshments at this, the first rehearsal. “Where is my Ewok choir?”

All the littlest bloggers raised their hands, that is, if they realized they were being spoken to. The Ewok choir is always made up of the littlest because they are short and can look cute just singing weird songs and not doing anything else. George loves the Ewok choir.

“Alright, now let’s pick some of the big speaking roles. How about the role of Padmé?”

“Who’s that?” DJ Maul asked, receiving snickers from the more seasoned pageant actors and actresses.

“She’s the mother of baby Luke and Leia,” Hansgirl said, rolling her eyes. “How could anyone not know that.”

“Shut up! I never heard this story before!” Master Mina said, elbowing Hansgirl in the ribs.

“Yeah, it's not in any of my Top 10s!” Chimed Stooge.

“You’ve never heard the story of Balanced Force Day before?” Asked a baffled Moose. “Let’s start at Episode I, then.” This received a roar of grumbles from most of the bloggers, even the Ewok choir, but they all seemed very interested, so Moose continued. “Little Annie Skywalker was born a slave on Tatooine…."

*6 1/2 hours later*

"…In his second attempt to face Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight did something more powerful than defeat him in a lightsaber battle. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight broke through the dark side and helped Anakin return to the light side of the Force! Anakin’s body could no longer survive, but Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit lived on. Just as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit was bringing the Force back into balance, the Rebel Pilots defeated the great and powerful Death Star! This was cause for celebration, which was marked by the melodious Ewok Choir led by Han Solo and Princess Leia. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit celebrated the wonder that was the very first Balanced Force Day.”

Most of the bloggers were fidgeting or checking their Myspace pages, but they were just sitting there listening, stunned into rare silence.

“So,” Moose cautiously asked, “Who wants to play Padmé?”

Nob01, usually just called Nobby because of his knobby knees and elbows on his skinny little legs and arms, raised his hand proudly.

“Anyone else?” Moose asked nervously. “ViagoAngel, wouldn’t you like to volunteer?”

Angel just sat there, silently staring at the sandy ground. She wouldn’t dare volunteer now that Nobby had staked his claim. Of course she wanted to be Padmé because she was always Padmé, but if she raised her hand, Nobby would write her into his Dork Side cartoon and use it as black-e-mail! Or worse! You wouldn’t believe they were capable of such awful things, but they were. All of them were.

“Well then, let’s have volunteers for Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight,” Moose said, moving on. “Jedi Melinda, you usually play this part, would you like to volunteer?”

Poor little JMW nervously bit her lip. She loved playing the part of Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and everybody knew it. It was one of the main speaking parts and JMW loved to talk about Star Wars.

“SHE can’t ever do it! You said in the story Luke’s a boy!” Snarked Mina. “I wanted to be Luke, but since he’s stupid and I’m a girl, I’ll be Princess Leia instead. Even though I’m really a queen, which is better than a princess. Sarlacc Pitt! Raise your hand for the Jedi Knight Luke. Do it now!”

“Do we have any other Leia volunteers?” Moose asked, eyeing Hansgirl. When no one moved, he sighed and wrote down Mina’s name next to the part of Leia.

“Would anyone else like to volunteer? Type up, bloggers! We can make a list of all volunteers now and decide later who would be best,” Moose suggested. But no one moved. No one spoke up for any of the parts, for fear of them. At the end of the rehearsal, we had Nobby as Padmé the Angel, Deej as Han Solo, Master Mina as Princess Leia, Pitt as Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and the nastiest of all of them, Stooge, as Anakin’s Good and Pure Force Spirit.

This was going to be the WORST Balanced Force Day pageant EVER!

BFD 2007 MADLIBS!

2007-12-20T22:07:00.000-06:00

Here they are. The results of this year's MADLIBS! The templates are adapted from the "Christmas Fun MADLIBS" book.

From: gencrs

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD statue on BFD eve. Last year the Senator had a tired party and everyone helped run the tree. Obi-Wan brought tinsel and computers. Mace Windu brought lots of fresh noodles and candy chicken wings. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored bags. Usually about 3.141592654 lights make any BFD tree look complacent. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly wires and little enlightened balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that box is up, you know that the devious BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too rejected to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your book or hang drawers on your pessimist. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Holy Cow!"

What to Give for BFD

One of the foggy things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice calendars to give your chairs and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone a printer when they really wanted a button. Here are some talkative gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric slot machine she could use to play her vegetables or clean the screen in the warehouse. If your Jedi Master likes to rest, he could use a new set of switches. Perhaps he would fancy an aqua marine Santa hat for while he is sitting. If you want to get Boss Nass a present, he wants a jacket designed by Suri Cruise. I understand that Han Solo needs some ships to keep his hand warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the keyboard behind the gift that counts.

From: Hansgirl

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD scoundrel on BFD eve. Last year Han Solo had a scruffy-looking party and everyone helped snuggle the tree. Princess Leia brought tinsel and smugglers. R2D2 brought lots of fresh danishes and candy noodles. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored droids. Usually about 13 lights make any BFD tree look slimy. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly jawas and little shiny balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that Firefly is up, you know that the pretty BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too massive to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your Wookiee or hang Ewoks on your docking bay. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Frak!"

What to Give for BFD

One of the stuck-up things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice landspeeders to give your stormtroopers and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone a cantina when they really wanted hyperspace. Here are some half-witted gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric nerf-herder she could use to jump her vegetables or clean the planet in the infirmary. If your Jedi Master likes to play, he could use a new set of hydrospanners. Perhaps he would fancy purple jammies for while he is flying. If you want to get Chewbacca a present, he wants pants designed by Harrison Ford. I understand that Luke Skywalker needs some cables to keep his tongue warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the emperor behind the gift that counts.

From: Nobby

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD Bethany on BFD eve. Last year Max Rebo had a slinky party and everyone helped fondle the tree. Figrin D'an brought tinsel and troopers. Sy Snoodles brought lots of fresh deep pan pizzas and candy nerf nuggets. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored Jedi. Usually about 42 lights make any BFD tree look swarthy. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly nunas and little voluptuous balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that coat hanger is up, you know that the lethargic BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too furtive to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your saber or hang flip flops on your microphone. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Bugger!"

From: JadeSabre

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD power converter on BFD eve. Last year Padmé had a gorgeous party and everyone helped fly the tree. Lumpy brought tinsel and podracers. Aayla Secura brought lots of fresh pallies and candy muja fruits. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored pictures. Usually about 1138 lights make any BFD tree look shaggy. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly Banthas and little ornate balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that palace is up, you know that the tasty BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too loud to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your blue milk or hang droids on your hydrospanner. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Blast!"

What to Give for BFD

One of the rusty things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice escape pods to give your X-wings and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone a sandcrawler when they really wanted a hut. Here are some slimy gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric mudhole she could use to Force push her vegetables or clean the training remote in the Lars’ kitchen. If your Jedi Master likes to chop, he could use a new set of double-bladed lightsabers. Perhaps he would fancy a purple Jedi robe for while he is sensing. If you want to get Anakin a present, he wants a sash designed by Hayden. I understand that Obi-Wan needs some blasters to keep his lekku warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the padawan braid behind the gift that counts.

From: JediPug

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD base on BFD eve. Last year Luke had a snowy party and everyone helped run the tree. Han Solo brought tinsel and groups. Lando brought lots of fresh noodles and candy cookies. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored transports. Usually about 7 lights make any BFD tree look bright. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly credits and little great balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that trench is up, you know that the small BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too round to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your diner or hang birds on your school. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Duh!"

From: JediMelinda

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD cantina on BFD eve. Last year Luke had a charred party and everyone helped interrogate the tree. Jar Jar Binks brought tinsel and womprats. Qui-Gon Jinn brought lots of fresh Wookiee Cookies and candy Hanburgers. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored Senators. Usually about seven lights make any BFD tree look frozen. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly Ewoks and little primeval balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that mynock is up, you know that the tethered BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too feathered to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your Tosche Station or hang pod racers on your pyre. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Mynocks, Krayt Dragons and Space Slugs! Oh my!"

What to Give for BFD

One of the cramped things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice Gungans to give your stormtroopers and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone a Mon Calamari when they really wanted a landspeeder. Here are some velvety gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric shuttle she could use to pummel her vegetables or clean the holocron in Leia’s detention cell. If your Jedi Master likes to cruise, he could use a new set of droids. Perhaps he would fancy a royal blue nightdress for while he is careening. If you want to get Luke a present, he wants a tunic designed by Ray Park. I understand that Admiral Ackbar needs some Eopies to keep his mechanical hand warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the handmaiden behind the gift that counts.

From: Baron Krut Box

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD lollipop on BFD eve. Last year Padmé had a damp party and everyone helped skewer the tree. Han Solo brought tinsel and crowbars. Darth Vader brought lots of fresh sheepheads and candy wampaburgers. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored inhalers. Usually about 1138 lights make any BFD tree look milky. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly balloons and little arguable balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that dictionary is up, you know that the tawdry BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too macabre to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your nebula or hang kites on your rash. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Poodoo!"

What to Give for BFD

One of the precious things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice garlics to give your zombies and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone sadism when they really wanted a ransom. Here are some compelling gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric latrine she could use to moisten her vegetables or clean the fuselage in the kitchen. If your Jedi Master likes to limp, he could use a new set of airplanes. Perhaps he would fancy a crimson kilt for while he is beating. If you want to get Jar Jar a present, he wants a jockstrap designed by Natalie Portman. I understand that Yoda needs some compulsions to keep his spleen warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the infestation behind the gift that counts.

From: Galactic Babe

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD girl on BFD eve. Last year Luke had a hairy party and everyone helped run the tree. R2D2 brought tinsel and landspeeders. Chewbacca brought lots of fresh Yoda cookies and candy blue milk. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored lightsabers. Usually about twelve lights make any BFD tree look plastic. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly plates and little shiny balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that person is up, you know that the open BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too friendly to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your X-Wing or hang boxes on your Santa hat. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Hey!"

What to Give for BFD

One of the cheesy things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice people to give your younglings and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone a Wookiee when they really wanted an Ewok. Here are some royal gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric thing she could use to jump her vegetables or clean the robe in the bedroom. If your Jedi Master likes to cook, he could use a new set of parents. Perhaps he would fancy purple underwear for while he is singing. If you want to get Han Solo a present, he wants boots designed by Ewan McGregor. I understand that Yoda needs some Jedi Knights to keep his right elbow warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the table behind the gift that counts.

From: DJ Maul

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD pancake on BFD eve. Last year Jar Jar had a rotund party and everyone helped flutter the tree. Qui-Gon brought tinsel and shoes. Anakin brought lots of fresh eggs and candy bean sprouts. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored bugs. Usually about 66 lights make any BFD tree look smooth. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly leeches and little wet balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that trash is up, you know that the odiferous BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too shiny to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your bilge or hang quarters on your poodoo. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Yippie!"

From: jedi_iain

What to Give for BFD

One of the funky things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice cups to give your hippos and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone a blaster when they really wanted a guitar. Here are some intercontinental gift ideas: I bet your aunt would love a new electric tree she could use to fly her vegetables or clean the landspeeder in the meditation chamber. If your Jedi Master likes to open, he could use a new set of crackers. Perhaps he would fancy purple boots for while he is snowing. If you want to get Ki Adi Mundi a present, he wants a cloak designed by Natalie Portman. I understand that Peter Petrelli needs some buckets to keep his eyebrow warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the balloon behind the gift that counts.

From E&HF

Decorating Your BFD Tree

Many citizens of the New Republic decorate a BFD star ship on BFD eve. Last year Salacious Crumb had a weird party and everyone helped fight the tree. Anakin brought tinsel and blasters. R2 brought lots of fresh apples and candy crackers. One of the most important decorations, of course, is the string of colored shoes. Usually about 66 lights make any BFD tree look like a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth. Most civilized worlds have stores that sell round, sparkly chairs and little pretty balls to hang on a tree's branches. The hardest decoration to pick is the one that goes on the very top. Once that duck is up, you know that the ugly BFD season has truly begun. Of course, if you are too talented to have a tree for Balanced Force Day, you can decorate your speeder or hang pictures on your pod. Then the neighbors will surely say, "Oh my!"

From: MO2YP

What to Give for BFD

One of the sexy things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice thermal detonators to give your mynocks and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone an asteroid when they really wanted a basketball. Here are some slimy gift ideas. I bet your aunt would love a new electric necklace she could use to dance her vegetables or clean the Hummer in the basement. If your Jedi Master likes to climb, he could use a new set of lips. Perhaps he would fancy a purple nightgown for while he is flying. If you want to get Anakin a present, he wants a Jedi tunic designed by Kelly Ripa. I understand that Padmé needs some X-wings to keep her chest warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the hydrospanner behind the gift that counts.

From: Stooge

What to Give for BFD

One of the gaseous things about Balanced Force Day is being able to pick out nice TiVos to give your thyroids and relatives. The problem arises when you don't want to give someone earwax when they really wanted a PEZ dispenser. Here are some incandescent gift ideas:

I bet your aunt would love a new electric birdhouse she could use to consume her vegetables or clean the antenna in the hotel lobby. If your Jedi Master likes to implode, he could use a new set of adult diapers. Perhaps he would fancy puke green clip-on earrings for while he is bubbling. If you want to get Gizmo a present, he wants a backpack designed by Annie Leibovitz. I understand that the Artful Dodger needs some lily pads to keep her toenail warm. No matter what you give your friends and family for Balanced Force Day, remember it is the snowglobe behind the gift that counts.

BFD 2007 SING-ALONG!!!!!

2007-12-19T09:16:00.001-06:00

Greetings fellow Star Warsians! It is now time for the traditional Balanced Force Day sing-along, 2007 edition! **These BFD songs are in NO WAY meant to demean our holidays here on Earth. I have great respect for all of these holidays and the traditions they carry with them. The songs posted here are all in good fun and are not meant to offend.**

BLOGGER CONTRIBUTIONS

From the Bodacious GalacticBabe, to the tune of the Chipmunk Song:

(Obi-Wan conducts the yearly BFD program...)

Alright you Padawans! Ready to sing your song?
-I'll say we are!
-Yeah!
-Let's sing it now!
Okay, Barriss?
-Okay!
Okay, Ferus?
-Okay!
Okay, Anakin? Anakin? ANAKIN!
-OKAY!!!

BFD BFD time is near,
Time for droids and time for cheer.
We've been good, but we can't last,
Hurry BFD, hurry fast!
Want a ship that loops the loop,
Me, I want a shiny swoop
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please BFD, don't be late!

That was very good, Barriss.
-Naturally.
Very good Ferus.
-Ahhh.
Um, Anakin, you were a little flat, watch it.
Anakin? Anakin? ANAKIN!
-OKAY!!!

Want a ship that loops the loop,
I still want a shiny swoop!
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please BFD, don't be late.
We can hardly stand the wait,
Please BFD, don't be late!!!

Very good, younglings
-Let's sing it again!
-Yeah, lets sing it again!
No, That's enough, lets not overdo it
-What do you mean overdo it?
-We want to sing it again!
Now wait a minute, younglings
-Why can't we sing it again?
[Padawan chatter]
Anakin, cut that out. Barriss, just a minute.
Anakin will you cut that out?

YOUNGLINGS!!!!!

Program ends prematurely, an exasperated Obi-Wan walks off the stage...

From the Saberlicious Jade, to the tune of Little Drummer Boy:

"Come," he told me. No lightsabers hummed.
"Take your saber and strike down me. Make your lightsaber hum."
I turned it on, bright green. My lightsaber hummed.
We crossed swords in front of Palpy. Our lightsabers hummed,
Hum hum hum hum, hum hum hum hum.

I had to check my anger while my lightsaber hummed, or I was done.

"Come, my son Lukey." Our lightsabers hummed.
"The dark side's best you see." Our lightsabers hummed.
"No father, come with me." Our lightsabers hummed.
"Come to the light with me." Our lightsabers hummed.
Hum hum hum hum, hum hum hum hum.

"I will not fight you, though your lightsaber hums." "Then you're done."

He threw his saber at me. It hum hum hum hummed.
Then we played hide and seek, while his lightsaber hummed.
He said he'd turn Leia, you see. His lightsaber hummed.
It made me really angry. I made my saber hum,
Hum hum hum hum, hum hum hum hum.

So, I attacked him there. Our lightsabers hummed. I was almost done.

I'll not give in, though I could die. My saber ceased to hum.
"Then so be it, Jedi." Lightning crackled and hummed.
"Father, don't let me fry!" Lightning crackled and hummed.
Vader grabbed the wrinkly guy, while I looked on, Palpy screamed, and lightning hummed.

Vader threw him down while lightning hummed. Down the chasm.

Also from Jade, to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:

You know Windu, Kit Fisto, Plo Koon, and Gallia
Kenobi, Ki-Adi, Billaba, and Yoda.
But do you recall the most gorgeous Jedi of all?
Young Anakin Skywalker was the Jedi Chosen One
And if you ever saw him, into his strong arms you'd wanna run :D
All of the other Jedi didn't want him to be trained
They wouldn't take the chance that he might become a Sith like Darth Bane
Then when Qui-Gon got cremated, Obi-Wan came to say:
Anakin in the Force so strong, won't you be my padawan?
The Council finally gave in, but they didn't know that later
Young Anakin Skywalker would become the evil Darth Vader!

The Dark Lord Darth Vader
Was an evil Sith baddie
Luke would have never guessed that
He had a Sith Lord for a daddy
All of the noble Jedi
Had been hunted down by him
The future of the Jedi Order
Was looking rather grim
Then, making the first BFD
Young Luke came to say:
"Vader, inside you there's light.
Please ditch Palpy, he's such a fright!"
Then Palpy started to fry him,
And Luke cried out, "Father, please!"
So Vader picked up the Emperor
And threw him down the cavity!

From the super talented Hansgirl, to the tune of White Christmas:

I'm dreaming of a white BFD
Just like the one we had on Hoth
Where the Tauntaun's frozen
Cuz he'd not chosen
To drink hot chocolate with froth

I'm dreaming of a white BFD
With each BFD card I write
May your days be warmer than mine
And may Balanced Force Day be white

Another from HG, to the tune of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:

I Saw Leia Kissing Han Solo (sung by 3PO)

I saw Leia kissing Han Solo

In that room aboard the ship last night

They didn't see me peep

'Round the corner I did creep

I thought the Princess might

Need me to save her from her plight

Then, I saw Leia holding Han Solo

'Round his neck and he held her so tight

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If Chewie had only seen

Leia kissing Han Solo last night

JP'S BFD CAROLS

Jedi Knight (Silent Night- click here!!!)

Jedi Knight, heroic Knight
Mind is calm, saber bright
Round yon Shmi, mother and child
Chosen One, yet so fearful and wild
Bring the galaxy peace
Bring the galaxy peace

Jedi Knight, heroic Knight
Padmé walks toward the light
Separated, on planets afar
Heirs of Force light, bright as a star
Luke and Leia are born!
Luke and Leia are born!

Jedi Knight, heroic Knight
Son of Ani, Force of Light
Taking off the mask to see his face
Bringing forth redeeming grace
Anakin’s rebirth
Anakin’s rebirth

Do You See What I See?

Said the pilot to the youngling boy,
“Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, youngling boy
Do you see what I see?
A ship, a ship, blasting in the night
With rays of vanishing light,
With rays of vanishing light.”

Said the youngling to the angel girl,
“Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, angel girl,
Do you hear what I hear?
The crowd, the crowd cheering all for me
I’ll be great one day, you will see,
I’ll be great one day, you will see.”

Said the padawan to the Jedi Master,
“Do you feel what I feel?”
In your defiance, Jedi Master
Do you feel what I feel?
The Force, the Force clouded by the dark,
I don’t think this child is its spark,
I don’t think this child is its spark.”

Said the Master to the Jedi Council,
“Listen to what I say!
Let the boy be trained, Jedi Council,
Listen to what I say!
The child, the child standing in your sight,
He will bring the Force back to light,
He will bring the Force back to light.”

Pilots, From the Realms of Deep Space (Angels, From the Realms of Glory)

Pilots, from the realms of deep space
Wing your flight o'er Endor's moon
Ye, who trained in simulations
Now proclaim true vict'ry soon
Come and blast them,
Come and blast them,
Blast them, the Imperial scum!

Soldiers in the Endor forest
Watching Ewoks dance by night
Force with all is now residing
(I sound just like Yoda, right?)
Come and blast them,
Come and blast them,
Blast them, the Imperial scum!

Leaders, leave your command stations
See the brightness of the sky?
Far beyond your expectations
You have seen the Emp’ror die!
Come and blast them,
Come and blast them,
Blast them, the Imperial scum!

Rebels, you’ve anticipated
Watching long in hope and fear
Now the Death Star’s detonated
Peace will surely follow near
Come and blast them,
Come and blast them,
Blast them, for the Light has won!

Carol of the Force (Carol of the Bells)

Hark! How the child
Sweet youngling child
Races with glee
“Yippee, yippee!”
Balanced Force Day
Is this child’s way
To make it right
Come back to light

* breathing noises, in beat *
That’s Vader’s sound
His heart was burned
But Luke would turn
He almost fried
“Father!” He cried
Vader contrite
Turned back to light!

Oh how he threw
Palps, down he flew
Over the rail
With a loud wail
Ewoks they dance
Han & Leia romance
Yub nub, good cheer
BFD is here
Happy, happy, happy
Balanced Force Day!
Happy, happy, happy
Balanced Force Day!

Oh, celebrate
This special date
Balanced Force cheer
Every year

The BFD Song-- Vader Roasting on an Open Pyre (The Christmas Song)

Vader roasting on an open pyre
Ewoks dancing at your toes
Trooper helmets being played by the fire
And pilots dressed in orange clothes

Everybody knows a Death Star or a Hoth-like snow
Won’t hinder those who celebrate
Padawans with their sabers aglow
Will find it hard to meditate

They know that Wampa’s on his way
They’ll leave him goodies to keep his hunger at bay
And every youngling child is gonna spy
To see if AT-ATs really know how to fly

And so I’m sending out this transmission
To creatures from human to Acklay
It hasn’t been said many ways, well just one:
Happy Balanced Force Day.

Jedi Obi-Wan (Good King Wenceslas)

Jedi Obi-Wan looked out
'Cross the desert planet
Sandstorms rolling round about
Eternity began it
Brightly shone the suns that day
Though they now were setting
Took the baby child away
They wouldn't be forgetting

Child began to learn and grow
Flourishing in youth
His real self he did not know
Sheltered from the truth
Heir to power great and strong
Chose One behind it
Wanting escape all along
But where would he find it?

Uncle Owen, answer me
If you know it telling:
Yonder hermit, who is he?
In his humble dwelling?
Luke, he's just a crazy man
You should just forget him
Trap you in some wizard's plan
He would if you let him

Circumstances tossed and turned
Just like storms of sand
As the twin suns hotly burned
Boy became a man
In Obi-Wan's step he trod
Righting past disasters
Even in ghostly facade
Remained a true master

Have Yourself a Happy Balanced Force Day
(Have Youself a Merry Little Christmas)

Have yourself a happy Balanced Force Day
Let the Force be light
From now on the Empire will be out of sight

Have yourself a happy Balanced Force Day
Sing & dance & play
From now on our Jedi Knights will lead the way

Here we are as in olden days, Old Republic days long passed
Faithful Rebels who gave your lives, victory arrives at last

Through the years we all will be together
If the Whills allow
We'll restore the galaxy someday, somehow
So have yourself a happy Balanced Force Day now

Droids, Droids, Droids (Bells, Bells, Bells)

Droids, droids, droids
All they do is gripe
Droids, droids, droids
No matter what the type
Droids of every make and model
Droids that walk and droids that waddle
Providing help on the double
Or they could lead you to trouble

Droids, droids, droids
With irritating sound
Droids, droids, droids
When BFD's around
Droids when ships begin to crash
Droids you simply want to smash
Droids when fighting with a clone
Droids when you want to be alone!
On each and every world, unless it's been destroyed
You will hear
All too clear
Perplexing, vexing sounds of droids

SW Mad Libs

2006-12-22T00:38:00.000-06:00

These are so awesome...you bloggers are too funny! I inserted each contributor's answers right into the story (a child's letter to Wampa Claws) so you can easily read each in context. Enjoy, my Forceful friends!

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good starship this year. I have been a green student at the Blue Milk Academy and even helped my auntie with the planets after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even propositioned! Because I have been so manly, can I please have a new lightsaber for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Luke and learn all of his handsome secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a landspeeder? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my left pinky finger you will bring me all of these hairy presents and put them in my pants on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the most glowing BFD yet!

Love,
GalacticBabe

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good lightsaber this year. I have been a big student at the Bantha Poodoo Academy and even helped my auntie with the ducks after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even flew! Because I have been so scruffy-looking, can I please have a new starship for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Padmeand learn all of her beautiful secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a thermal detonator? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my legyou will bring me all of these evil presents and put them in my underpants on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the craziest BFD yet!

Love,
Jedi_iain

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good lightsaber this year. I have been a slimy student at the Tunic Academy and even helped my auntie with the training droids after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even sensed! Because I have been so steamy, can I please have a new planet for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Jabba the Hutt and learn all of his pale secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a starfighter? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my hand you will bring me all of these hard presents and put them in my armor on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the smartest BFD yet!

Love,
MO2YP

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good meerkat this year. I have been a sloppy student at the Sandcrawler Academy and even helped my auntie with the marshmallows after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even sprained! Because I have been so angry, can I please have a new feather duster for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on R2D2 and learn all of his moist secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a mouse trap? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my nostril you will bring me all of these furtive presents and put them in my thong on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the most salacious BFD yet!

Love,
Nob01

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good space ship this year. I have been a luminous student at the Princess Academy and even helped my auntie with the lightsabers after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even darted! Because I have been so breathtaking, can I please have a new droid for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Luke Skywalker and learn all of his slithering secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a cantina? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my left arm you will bring me all of these gargantuan presents and put them in my ceremonial robes on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the most aquamarine BFD yet!

Love,
Jedi Melinda

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good scoundrel this year. I have been a dreamy student at the Ventilator Shaft Academy and even helped my auntie with the droids after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even slid! Because I have been so hairy, can I please have a new Wookiee for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Han Solo and learn all of his gorgeous secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a hydrospanner? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my chest you will bring me all of these tough presents and put them in my pants on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the most suave BFD yet!

Love,
Hansgirl

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good stapler this year. I have been a windy student at the Vodka Academy and even helped my auntie with the employees after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even yawned! Because I have been so shiny, can I please have a new tree for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Stephen Colbert and learn all of his purple secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a firefly? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my neck you will bring me all of these beefy presents and put them in my leg warmers on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the moistest BFD yet!

Love,
Kenobi-Fan

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good present this year. I have been a wooly student at the Comlink Academy and even helped my auntie with the Jedi robes after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even pretended! Because I have been so starry, can I please have a new japor snippet for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on a bantha and learn all of his hunky secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me a temple? I have wanted one my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my earlobe you will bring me all of these abnoxious presents and put them in my missing left sock on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the whiniest BFD yet!

Love,
GalacticBabe (again, hehe!)

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good sock this year. I have been a hairy student at the Bith Academy and even helped my auntie with the cards after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even opened! Because I have been so holy, can I please have a new clue for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Jar-Jar and learn all of his scary secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me some fireworks? I have wanted some my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my nostril you will bring me all of these dark presents and put them in my flip flop on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the most electronic BFD yet!

Love,
Merryman-Lyon

Dear Wampa Claws,

I have been a very good floor this year. I have been an intense student at the Blue Academy and even helped my auntie with the eyes after dinner. That wasn't fun, but I never even gazed! Because I have been so powerful, can I please have a new man for Balanced Force Day? I would also like some equipment so I can spy on Anakin and learn all of his waivy secrets. Oh, and can you also bring me some hair? I have wanted some my whole life! Wampa Claws, I know deep down in my mechanical hand you will bring me all of these soft presents and put them in my Jedi robe on Balanced Force Day. I have a feeling this is going to be the steamiest BFD yet!

Love,
Padmeskywalker77

THANKS to all who participated!!! I got a number of good laughs out of these and I hope you did too!

BFD Caroling Party

2006-12-21T08:49:00.000-06:00

*I'm going to be safe and put these disclaimers everywhere* I love and respect Christmas. These parodies are just for fun and are in no way meant to offend or disrespect! Thanks for understanding!

HAPPY BALANCED FORCE DAY EVERYBODY!!!! Here are some little ditties I discovered floating around in various GFFA archives. If you are reading this, you have to PROMISE me you'll sing along. Promise? Seriously, sing along!

O LITTLE TOWN OF CORUSCANT

O little town of Coruscant
How high we see thee rise!
Within thy streets and past good eats
A billion transports go by
Yet in thy temple rageth
The once-great Jedi Knight
Though all seems sad, this troubled dad
Will one day see the Light

THE 12 DAYS OF BALANCED FORCE
(Yep, you have to start at the beginning and sing the WHOLE thing!)

On the first day of Balanced Force my Jedi gave to me

A moon full of Death Star debris

2 toasted Sith
3 Force-ghosts
4 Bothan spies
5 Goldenrods!
6 Biths jizz whailin’
7 Mon Cals swimming
8 Scoundrels smuggling
9 Twi’leks dancing
10 Ewoks annoying
11 Moffs a-blasting
12 Rebels a-cheering

O COME, ALL YE FORCEFUL

O come, all ye Forceful,
Wayward and rebellious
O come ye, o come ye to Endor’s moon
Come, plot against him:
Evil, Sithy Palpatine

O come let us destroy him,
O come let us destroy him,
O come let us destroy him,
Palps the Sith

Sing tribes of Ewoks
Sing in celebration
O sing, all ye furry creatures up in the trees
Yub nub, yub nu-ub
Yub nub yub nub, yu-ub nub

O come let us destroy him,
O come let us destroy him,
O come let us destroy him,
Palps the Sith

Vader, we greet thee
Re-born this happy evening
Luke, to thee be all credit giv’n
Annie, your father,
Now a Force-ghost appearing

O come let us destroy him,
O come let us destroy him,
O come let us destroy him,
Palps the Sith

PALPY THE SITHMAN

Palpy the sithman
Was a miserable soul
With a wrinkled face and some yellow eyes
And a smile for when heads roll

Palpy the sithman
Wouldn’t stand for Rebels few
When they became irate, he’d retaliate
With a Death Star weapon or two

There must have been some Dark Side in his midicholrians
But who’d have thought Vader’s stork had brought
A set of Jedi twins?

Palpy the sithman
Was alive as he could be
Though his ugly face (thanks be to Mace)
Looked worse than death to me

Mwuahaha ha ha
Mwuahaha ha ha
Look at Palpy go!
Zippity zap zop
Zippity zap zop
Shooting his lightning so!

Palpy the sithman
Knew the Rebels were mad that day
So he said, “Hey Luke,
Look what I can nuke!
Go ahead and fire away.”

Thank the Maker there was short help on that Endorian Moon
And when Vader turned back to the Light,
Palps was singin’ a different choon

Palpy the sithman
Wasn’t nice, even when he laughed
And it was no myth,
He was full of Sith
‘Til he finally got the shaft!

Yay! Thanks for singing with me! (You better go drink some water...)

Happy HANukkah!

2006-12-21T08:35:00.000-06:00

*disclaimer* Again, this in NO WAY is meant to degrade Hanukkah and all its wonderful traditions. I have a great respect for this holiday!

OK, with that said...these are for YOU, Hansgirl! Enjoy!!!

I HAVE A LITTLE FALCON

I have a little Falcon
I fixed her up myself
The hyperdrive is really fast
See the trophies on the shelf?

Oh, Falcon, Falcon, Falcon
I fixed her on my own
The hyperdrive is really fast
Her records are well known!

She has no lovely body
But I don’t mind at all
She’s got it where it counts, you know
And Leia’s hot, if you recall

(Chorus)

My Falcon’s sometimes moody
But the problems aren’t that bad
Still, if you ever fly her
You might just go to PLAID

(Chorus

I’LL BE HOME FOR LIFE DAY (Sung by Chewie)

I’ll be home for Life Day
You can count on me
Please have stew, and “Bantha Surprise” too
And presents up in a tree

Life Day Eve may find me
Caught in Imperial fire
But I’ll be home for Life Day
‘Cause Han is one great flyer

(And he’s super hot!! But that didn’t fit in the song…)

And this one (sung by Han while on Hoth!) was sent my way by the amazing Rogueish:

LET IT SNOW

Oh the Tauntaun smell is frightful
But Princess, you look so delightful
And since we've no place to go
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

It doesn't show signs of stopping
'Cause the death mark on me is so shocking
I wish you and I could just, you know
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight
How I'll hate patrolling out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight
All the way home I'll be warm

I'll pay Jabba or I'll be dying
And my dear, that's why I'm goodbying
But as long as you love me so
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

Brilliant! Happy HANukkah!

The Grand Admiral's Adventure

2006-12-19T21:32:00.000-06:00

This incredible (and true!) story comes from the one, the only: Grand Admiral Sean. I cannot take credit for such beautiful writing, but can I take credit for posting it? Maybe just a little? There ya go. Show the Princess some linkin' love.

JP's rambling ends now:

Remember Halloween as a child? What magical moments. One day of the year, it was acceptable to be someone else, to envelope yourself totally in another persona. Of course, such have always been high priorities among us Star Wars fans; we live, to resort to the most abominable of all clichés, with our heads in the clouds.

Do you remember swinging your plastic lightsaber merrily as you giggled your way down the lamplit streets? Or snatching goodies from pumpkin-shaped bowls at the school parties, squawking from under your rubber Yoda mask, “Mine, or help you I will not!” Perhaps, if you were lucky enough, there were other fans at your school: instant comrades with whom you could spar or exchange movie dialogue or simply play-act.

It strikes me as profoundly important to wear my Star Wars allegiance on my sleeve. Without our peculiarities and passions, we are no more than droids. And so I diligently parade my costumes (courtesy of my mother’s spectacular sewing), strutting past disbelieving peers. I harbor the suspicion that they’re really just jealous of the fun I have.

This year, I was Cade Skywalker of Dark Horse’s Legacy; the year before that, Rebecca Moesta’s Anakin Solo. Two years ago, I played master tactician Grand Admiral Thrawn. Yes, that’s right, blue skin and all. Ah, Thrawn! I got more than the usual utility out of that costume: months after the sweet hours of Halloween, I assumed the same Chiss identity at Celebration III. Those who recognized Thrawn immediately fawned over me; those who did not were nevertheless impressed. Women, in particular, seemed quite enamored with the good Admiral. I’m told it has something to do with his brainpower, but I maintain that girls just dig men in blue.

From the humble, nerdy beginnings of our beloved fandom, make-believe has been the loftiest of ideals. Halloween is merely the single day on which our activities become more mainstream. As a recent Bantha Tracks so felicitously phrased it, no-one does Halloween like Star Wars fans do Halloween. Perhaps the old myths are true: perhaps All Hallow’s Eve is the night on which a conduit to the spirit realm yawns wide to admit otherworldly beings -- or, at the very least, extragalactic beings. I can’t say I support such occult notions, but, simultaneously, I recognize that our mundane, little Earth could do with an infusion of Star Wars characters.

Observe the world of Star Wars costuming, whether on October thirty-first or at conventions around the world: the wondering eyes of children blaze as though with hordes of fireflies while stormtroopers march casually past; habitually shy geeks are suddenly united in energetic laser-duels. Aliens commune with men. And, though they hide their grudging smiles behind wrinkled hands, the elderly, too, cannot help but be swept up by the enchantment of it all.

The Friday afternoon of Celebration III, I retired to a small Cracker Barrel, weary and slightly indisposed from the blue paint that plugged my pores (note to self: the words ‘certified nontoxic’ do not disqualify the ability of makeup to cause nausea after three consecutive days of copious application). Despite my sickness, I amused myself by making faces at the little girls who ducked shyly from behind their mother’s legs, stared goo-goo-eyed at Thrawn, and soon retreated with manic titters. One young mother endeavored futilely to explain the concept of a convention to her daughter: “It’s like dress-up for adults, dear. Or like Halloween. Yes, it’s like Halloween early!” How right she was.

As I waited in line behind a wooden barrel of toys and candy, I noticed a hobbling, bespectacled, old couple staring openly at my extraterrestrial attire. Judgmental attention eventually becomes wearying. Against my better judgment, I approached the pair, announcing, “Hello, I’m with the Smurf Liberation Front. May I offer you a pamphlet?” Of course, in possession of my better judgment, I probably would not have been visiting a Cracker Barrel while violently ill. In any case, silence as dense as whipping cream clogged the air for several minutes. Finally, the old man dragged his wife away protectively by the arm, muttering something about having already donated that year.

Was that the end of a bad encounter? To my extreme shock, no. In an event which would have stretched the predictive abilities of Thrawn himself to foresee, the old man approached me at my table. He was, he said, apologizing for his earlier behavior. He had dealt with “those NASCAR people” frequently, but never before had he encountered an azure alien in this family eating establishment. I shook his hand, assuring him that no contribution to the Liberation Front was necessary. I exited into the stormy night feeling much better, despite the bacon cheeseburger that roiled in my stomach.

So, do Star Wars costumes promote acceptance? Will they be an agent in the spread of world peace? Doubtful on both accounts. What, then, is The Point of embarrassing oneself by marching around in an epauleted Cossack’s uniform?

There is a growing movement in American fantasy which decries escapism as a sin. Why, it is argued, should readers sequester themselves in comfortable literature while the world suffers? Proponents of this cause offer a less appealing but allegedly more ethical alternative: they insist fantasy should be as dark and brutal as possible, an abrasive rather than soothing influence. It goes without saying that boisterous conventions are frowned upon by this crowd. Halloween, alas, has become a collateral casualty of their battles to mature the imagination. But, truly, is it improper for fans to become absorbed in the wondrous world of Lucas?

Here is my response to such cynics: I do not peruse escapist fantasy to escape the responsibilities and tribulations of reality, nor do I act out fictional personas to hide from my emotional life. Rather, I love Star Wars, I wear Star Wars, because it is refuge from the sheer, bloody-minded boringness of Earth. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate sorrow. On the contrary, my most favorite episodes of the Saga deal the most heavily with ethics under fire: Return of the Jedi follows the violent struggles of a fragmented family, while Revenge of the Sith ends with the holocaustic extermination of the Jedi Order. Yet Star Wars maintains the candescent perpetual flame of hope. Observing tragedy through the lens of an otherwise entertaining film, I see more fully the importance of a moral life. Captivated by Yoda’s warning, I, like young Luke, am wary of the dark side. Absorption into a fantasy universe is ultimately a cathartic experience: though I may rely upon the Galaxy Far, Far Away as a cozy comfort blanket, it nevertheless provides a stable ground upon which I may build my ethical beliefs. To use a chemical metaphor, crystals never form except on existing surfaces. Similarly, when the characters I know and love face hardship, I am righteously incensed. What is a higher ideal than to hate evil and love good?

Two thousand years ago, the Apostle Paul wrote, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” I acknowledge the dreadful woes of the world, and, insofar as is possible, I strive to alleviate them. But I fixate on that which is beautiful. Hence my devotion to Star Wars. Hence my shameless saunter as, clad in the wintry garb of a Grand Admiral, I salute awestruck children. You see, imagination numbers among the greatest gifts granted us by the Divine. Remember that the next time you pull on your robes for a frigid night of Trick-or-Treating.

Thanks so much Admiral!!! (Sorry for the lack of underlines, BTW. I couldn't figure out how to do it! I know how much you hate italics, but that was the best I could do.) :D

I happen to like nice men...

2006-12-19T19:27:00.000-06:00

But YOU! You are not a nice man! You are, in fact, a nerfherder! (Yep, that's what I said.)

Anway...I don't really have anything to say. This is sort of a test entry.